Tom Sylvester | Driving Business & Fatherhood

Great conversation with Tom Sylvester of https://tomandariana.com/ … we cover what it looks like to make a few rookie mistakes and recover… we also look at having a baby on the way and starting up a new business.

Be sure to reach out to Tom and let him know you heard this conversation here!

Also be sure to check out their podcast at

Podcast

Transcript auto-generated by otter.ai
00:01
54321 Hey there fatherhood for the rest of us. I am on with Tom Sylvester of Tom and Ariana and lifestyle builders. This is Tom is going to be on here today and Tom had a goal to retire by 35 which I think that just happened this week, right. So,
00:19
It did. It did. Okay, so that’s just half. We’re going to find out whether or not he’s retired today.
00:24
He later found out that he actually didn’t want to stop working, but instead desire to create financial independence.
00:30
Tom is a business consultant entrepreneurs speaker and author. He works with entrepreneurs and business leaders to help them grow and scale their businesses through leadership strategy and systems.
00:40
He spent several years doing this with Fortune 500 companies and their leaders before shifting his focus towards the passion, which is helping entrepreneurs and small businesses.
00:49
After working with far too many entrepreneurs who achieve business success at the expense of the personal lives or relationships toppled area and started the lifestyle builders movement.
00:59
They believe that your business and support your life rather than taking it over.
01:03
As a result, Tom spends most of his days working with entrepreneurs on that mission from coaching entrepreneurs co hosting lifestyle builders podcast.
01:11
And co authoring the lifestyle builders book with Ariana Tom, thanks for stopping on here today and I yeah that’s the most important question. I think that anybody’s gonna have to your 35 I’m guessing you know that’s what we’re here at, are you retired. Did you retire.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
01:25
So we’ll say yes and no.
01:28
Okay, and I’ll caveat that because when I set the goal to retire. I actually had a mentor. Several years later, come back and say, you know, Tom.
01:36
Quit saying you’re going to retire. He goes, because I know you and you know you’re a high achiever, you’re never going to stop starting businesses and, more importantly, you’re never going to stop helping people.
01:47
Who knows but what you’re really looking for is freedom. He goes, You want the ability to decide what your schedule looks like decide what you do and what you don’t do
01:56
And, um, he was spot on. So, yes, we both were able to leave our jobs I left mine two years ago.
02:02
But we still do work. The key is, we’re able to put our life first and design our life and then choose the type of work we want, which now is really helping people that have been through similar things that we’ve been through.
02:15
You know, to do the same types of things to be able to put their life first and live very intentionally right
user avatar brandon handley
02:20
Now, that’s huge that shoes and I love, I love the idea of finding freedom versus, you know, being retired because I find the people that I know that retired there.
02:31
They don’t know what to do with themselves. First of all, right, like I’m retired. And, you know, but now you’re free to do what you want, when you want to do it and you’re making your segment up and that’s awesome. How old are your children.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
02:43
So our daughter is seven in our son is four.
user avatar brandon handley
02:46
seven and four. So you’re you know you’re doing this as a father and you know your your story is actually pretty cool, where if you. I’m just going to kick kick it off in this in this area, so you don’t have to tell this part, but you started going to conferences and you went to a
03:04
Like a real estate investment one right and you and your cousin decide like you’re
03:08
Right, we’re going to do this. We got to go and you’re feeling like this pain of like the spark of like the entrepreneur like if I don’t do this, then my soul is just going to like melt away, and I’m going to die into nothingness right,
03:18
Yeah, then say, you’re like, you’re like, All right, so we level up from, like, you know, the $500 fee into the $15,000 you know fee that you split with your cousin and you don’t tell your upcoming wife. I mean, is that kind of mean
03:34
And so for those of you that have already heard like this, I’m sure. Like, you may have already heard tops or you got like a podcast everywhere, which is awesome. But I want to know this, right.
03:43
Do you feel that if you hadn’t pulled the trigger at that time that you will be where you are today.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
03:49
Absolutely not. And you know, I think if I hadn’t pulled the trigger. At that time, it would have came at some other time.
03:56
Because here’s what I know not only from my own story, but from just being around other high achievers and entrepreneurs is when we get something in our mind, we’re gonna keep pushing to do that.
04:07
And so, even before I pulled the trigger there, I
04:09
Tried to pull the trigger like five other times and Ariana just kept shutting it down and it got to a point where I just did it. And I wouldn’t recommend people
04:19
You know, doing that. But the cool thing that happened was through all the tough conversations afterwards.
04:25
What it did was it forced us to really have the real conversations and it forced us to Ariana asked one question. I remember she was in the middle of tears.
04:34
Were nine months before we got married. She’s trying to figure this out. And she goes, Why would you do something like this.
04:40
And that was the magic question because what I had realized was prior to that point, I kept telling her what I wanted to do. You know, I wanted to retire by 35 I wanted to start a business, I wanted to invest in real estate and I never told her. Why
04:52
And when I said, You know what, I, I want us to have the freedom to design our lives. I want our future kids in our family to be able to do what we want and not have financial struggles
05:02
And she’s like, You know what, I want the same thing and it was through that conversation that we said, now we’re aligned on where we want to go. Now we can talk about how do we get there and that’s when we can say where does real estate or business or careers fit into that. Right, right.
user avatar brandon handley
05:16
I think that you talk a lot about
05:19
How the two of you.
05:21
You know she’s doing all these blocks right like in here. You’re like, you’re like, how about this. He’s like, No. How about this. No. How about this.
05:27
And she’s talking to dodge and because like you said she’s at the, at that point, she was more the conventional more of the you know the standards and all this stuff.
05:36
How did you talk to a recent interview, like, you know, bringing somebody on board with you and your vision and and how did you to kind of, I know you just said.
05:46
You know, you got onto the same page. But initially, you weren’t even on the same page. You weren’t even in the same book, you probably weren’t even like in the same district libraries. You know what I mean. So, so how do you how
05:58
Because I know a lot of people have that right
default user avatar Unknown Speaker
06:01
Absolutely.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
06:02
So what we’ve seen it come down to is what I was always doing was I was always pushing. I was always advocating for my position and I wasn’t listening.
06:14
And I wasn’t asking and I tell people nowadays. One of my biggest attributes. One of the biggest thing that’s caused me to succeed is being curious. And what I realized was that I wasn’t being curious. So, enough with Ariana
06:27
So when she was throwing up those blocks.
06:29
Rather than saying, Oh, she clearly is not comfortable or something’s going on, let me ask why I just would try to push forward with something else and
06:36
I’ll tell you that doesn’t work. It just makes things more complicated. So the biggest thing I always tell people is like when a block comes up, or when your spouse doesn’t seem like they’re on board, ask why.
06:48
Like I was actually talking to a woman right before we jumped on here and she she’s had some successful their business and she wants to keep growing it, but her husband doesn’t want to invest in the business.
06:58
So instead of just saying, Well screw your husband going best. You know, I started asking questions. And basically he sees the business as just a money suck in a time suck.
07:08
And I said, well,
07:08
Let’s stop talking about the business. You guys got to get aligned on what you want the future to look like. And once you do that, then you can talk about if and how the business fits in. But until that happens.
07:19
Quit talking about business and talk about what’s important, which is your life and what you want it to be.
user avatar brandon handley
07:23
Right, right. But I love how you say, though, like you guys you both want to get to the same place. You just got different vehicles to get there, right, Mom. And that makes a lot of sense. And I find that I find that here too, right at my home and
07:38
I like what you’re saying those, like, you know, it’s
07:41
I probably face the same thing, right. Like, I’m like, hey, we’re gonna go do this, go to that we got to do this. And, you know, burn the bridges burn the boats.
07:50
But, you know, it just reminds me of a tactical which book I read a marketing book, recently, it might have been a story builders and might have been like
07:57
I read like six or seven. I’m like, back to back, but one of them was like, you know, invite them like invite the other person, along with you. We like it’s not. You’re coming with me. Let’s go because I’m a caveman I just beach on the back of the head.
08:08
Yeah, but it’s, it’s, like, Hey, would you like to go out to this land of, you know, where we have all the things that we want, because we work together to get there.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
08:16
Yeah, you know, and that’s so important is what I tell people now because
08:20
Here’s what happens. And it doesn’t matter if it’s entrepreneurship or if it’s getting out of debt or whatever it is, what happens is that we’re two different people and one of us has an experience. And we’ve been on a journey and we haven’t experienced that changes us
08:35
Right, we had a bad. The last bad day at work or, you know, maybe it’s something
08:40
Someone died or something happened and it caused us to have an epiphany and want to change our path. Yeah, the challenges we just automatically assume that our partner is going to change their path as well but
08:52
They’re on their own journey. So what we have to do is to understand where they’re at.
08:57
And like you said, invite them on their journey and guide them so that they can have their own epiphany because it’s not going to be the same as you. So often we just get so excited, especially as oftentimes we have very similar personalities and we just want to go.
09:10
About bringing the people around with us.
user avatar brandon handley
09:13
Yeah, I mean, it says is charged full speed ahead. Once you’ve kind of got that once you once you’re smart, you’re just like, let’s, let’s, we’re doing this, like where the Kool Aid man, we’re like, right. Oh, yeah. And then that your wife is like, Oh, no, no, no.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
09:26
Yeah.
user avatar brandon handley
09:27
Oh man, um, gosh. So, I mean, look, this you have so much that you’ve done. And there’s a couple things I want to just kind of poke here. This is just as much for me as anybody is listening.
09:37
So one of the things that I admire about you is you set this up to intention at a pretty young age 35 now you’re you’re several years younger than me.
09:46
And what was it the kind of gave me that drive initially and you know maybe talk a little bit about that. Like, who was talking before, like, you know, even before I ANA and you guys get together, right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
09:59
Yeah, you know, so basically like what immediately kicked us off was as we graduated college. I looked ahead. And I looked at the degree I had which was computer science. And I was like,
10:10
What do people would disagree do and I look and they’re sitting in cubicles all day, and they’re working long hours, and I was like, man, I probably should have looked ahead. I didn’t sign up for this.
10:19
And then I looked at what I was doing. And she’d got a zoo algae degree and we’re now, like, you know, close to $100,000 just in student loan debt.
10:27
And she wanted to live in New York, and she couldn’t find any jobs. So that was the immediate thing. I’m like this path were on isn’t good. We’re going to change it.
user avatar brandon handley
10:34
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
10:35
But years before that and I didn’t realize some of this until you know probably recently probably when I became a father.
10:43
You know, my parents got divorced when I was 12 right and you know there was some infidelity there and I live with one parent and another parent and I ended up living on my own at 16 I was working three jobs put myself through high school.
10:56
And, you know, during that time there was a lot of points where I could have gone down a very negative path.
11:00
Or a very positive path.
11:02
And thankfully I had really good mentors and support around me to guide me to make better decisions, but
11:08
What’s been really cool like somebody asked me recently, they’re like, you know, if you could go back and change anything, what would you change.
11:14
And I tell people I’m like, even though I had a lot of challenges. I wouldn’t change any of it because every one of those challenges that forced me to become a better person and become who I am today.
11:24
So through all of that stuff going on. I really knew I really developed my core values and it’s a big thing we promote with people today is get clear on what you want.
11:36
But also get clear on your core values and how you live and how you make decisions and even before I became a father. I knew the family was going to be so important, and I knew that. Like, for example,
11:47
My, my senior year like high school game like senior game for soccer.
11:52
I didn’t have any of my parents there so everyone’s getting called out on the field and their parents are there and I get called out in the field and I remember standing there and not having any family and I just felt terrible.
user avatar brandon handley
12:02
Wow.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
12:03
And it was like some of those events where I’m like, I’m not gonna let that happen. So I don’t care what I have to do. I’m going to make sure that family comes first.
12:11
And I’m doing everything we can do to set up for that.
12:13
So what I always tell people is like, look, whatever adversity, you’re going through whatever challenges you’re facing realize that that’s put in front of you to grow and become a better person, so that you can show up for the people that are important in your life.
user avatar brandon handley
12:27
Right, right. Brian holidays, the obstacles away.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
12:30
And, you know,
user avatar brandon handley
12:32
Right, right, right. So, I mean, the obstacles away, right. Like, what challenges you’re facing it is
12:37
Exactly kind of what builds you right has the, has the opportunity to build you into whoever you know you can avoid it all your life or you can work with it and see how you can incorporate that and really improve your life if possible, right, or just whatever take your lessons from it.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
12:53
Absolutely.
user avatar brandon handley
12:53
I’m kind of move on. Um, you know, before we even did this podcast. You and I are having a conversation and you were just mentioned, like how needed
13:02
You know, these fatherhood podcast where are these conversations and the attention being given two fathers
13:09
Why is that, like, what is it, what is it that it means to you to not only participate in these fatherhood groups or and you know even entertain yourself into to come on as beat the fatherhood podcast is what is it that you feel is a help. How’s that helping
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
13:24
Yeah, well, you know, there’s a couple things I’ve seen a lot of these moms groups and specifically mom like they call Mom printers, like so.
13:35
Oftentimes, stay at home moms or moms that have had kids, and then end up starting a business while their significant others working and what I was always striving for was I was like why there. No, dad.
13:48
You know the thing that I’ve always seen is that there’s a certain expectation of what masculinity is and what it means to be a male and I’m
13:54
Actually at a recent session with one of our with our marriage therapist. We went through some stuff. And she’s like, you know, so where was your positive male influence growing up.
14:04
And I had to really think about that because between going through the divorce and some of these other things. You know, I really didn’t have a lot of those strong characters in my life. And so
14:14
For me, one I want to be that strong character for, you know, not only our kids, but for anyone that we have, who needs it.
14:22
And then to once I got in and realize there were some of these groups. I actually just started talking to men and
14:29
Realizing that there’s a lot of stuff that we need to talk about, but we can’t talk about
14:35
And like a great example of what really just kind of tore my heart out there was a stay at home dad. His wife was
14:42
Like a doctor. And so they were moving around because she was trying to get her practice going and getting her residency and all of that. And so he moved to a new city he didn’t know anybody
14:52
And he had he was a stay at home dad with two kids trying to just find people to meet so he tried to join like a local moms group.
15:01
And the founder was like, well, let me go talk to people and she came back and she’s like, you know, I want to let you in. But the group doesn’t want you here because they’re not sure if you’re a pedophile.
15:11
And I was like, just be like, this guy’s doing everything right you know staying at home. He’s taking care of the kids take care of the house and just because he’s a male mom’s he sees a pedophile like we got to change that.
user avatar brandon handley
15:24
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that’s awesome. Right. So, I mean, you know, you’re, you’re, you’re participating in this kind of evolution of fathers and men, right. Like, I mean, just this whole idea that
15:39
We participate a lot more in our children’s life and we look at you. You’ve made a lot of solid decisions. One thing that we didn’t talk about was like this step where you were traveling for quite a while and you didn’t have that time with your children. Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
15:53
Yeah.
user avatar brandon handley
15:53
And then I love how you’re touching on the like the men’s groups and and the need for that. And, you know, do you find safety right like and kind of solace in these
16:03
Like I find most of them in Facebook groups are like the men’s groups will talk a little bit about, like, kind of like how important and I’m guessing a little bit of life changing for you. I know it’s been life changing for me to find this right
16:15
To realize that there’s other men that won’t be hold. They have the same going on that I’ve got going on it and it’s like this shared human condition. You want to talk to me a little bit about that.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
16:26
Yeah, you know, I
16:28
I think people just expect that we’re going to figure things out. Like, we’re gonna figure out how to be a good husband, we’re gonna figure out how to be a good father
16:36
And what I found is that anything that I’ve done well has taken work.
16:41
And so you don’t just naturally figure out how to become a good father sure you’re going to pick some stuff up and you’re just going to make it work. You’re gonna figure it out.
16:48
But I found that intentionality has been so critical. So being able to be around, you know, other men and to talk about some of these things.
16:56
In the same way that oftentimes women have to be around other women and talk about shared experiences. I found has been so powerful because in society.
17:05
Oftentimes it’s like, well, men can be vulnerable and I know I went through, like when I you were talking about when I was traveling, I was working with these high level leaders and these leaders that were like twice my age, and I had to go through a lot of
17:18
Ego and a lot of growth to really say like who am I to be able to help these people are who
17:23
Might be able to do this. And I think what I found in just seeing, you know, men come together and be able to talk about
17:30
What it means to be a good husband, what it means to be a good father, what it means to put family first and really live intentionally
17:36
You know it’s helped me one get clear and more confident with who I am.
17:41
But to realize the huge need for that. And it’s helped me clarify that. One of the things I want to do one of the legacies. I want to live is to be able to help more people realize that like
17:51
This is okay and you know you can be a strong male, while also being supporting you can be a strong father or husband, while also going to a marriage counselor, you know, all these things that are often seen as weak or actually the complete opposite.
18:07
You know, you got to be vulnerable to really be strong and really be a good leader, not only in business, but also in your family.
user avatar brandon handley
18:13
Sure, sure. I think that we can maybe like like in vulnerability to building resilience to something, right. Like, I mean you can’t you can’t build a resilience to anything until you start, you know, going through it. Right, so you’re you’re opening yourself up counseling.
18:30
And and in front of your wife to like I’m and and sometimes. Sometimes it’s really hard because you feel like your wife is looking at you to be the solid is john provide never changing like always, they’re still able to do and you’re inside your head, you’re like,
18:46
I don’t know what’s next, what’s going on, and like, you’re going to, you’re always going through things, man. And you have to open, but then to open yourself up in front of your wife and have her still accept you for who you are. I mean, to me, that strengthens relationships so much
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
18:59
100%. And actually, one of the things we realized after going through counseling was
19:04
I had a lot of emotion. But the way that I showed it and dealt with it was different. And so there were a lot of times where my like something would come up and I would react and
19:13
Ariana wouldn’t think I cared or was emotional about it and I realized that I have to actually show up emotion or I have to let her know how I deal with then how it’s different. And I was like, no, that affected me a lot.
user avatar brandon handley
19:28
Here’s how I don’t like yes yes let’s talk. Let’s talk about that man because I think that’s it. I think that’s a brilliant point and you know
19:36
This is something that I didn’t really even address or come face to face with until the past couple years and doing all this personal development work on myself. I had somebody asked me goes, Brandon. Do you know
19:49
I hear you talking, but I don’t hear you saying anything anything like with emotional words is like
19:54
100% right like I had to come back, come back and do like emotional work on myself and like you know
20:00
Outside of weight and just like you. I started like trying to carry like a chalkboard or something and be like, like happy face to face or something my wife doesn’t recognize either like that. I’m feeling the things I’m just not displaying it the same way that she would
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
20:13
Yeah. You know what I’ve found is just being more aware and more present, you know, something I started doing a couple of years ago that before I did and I always thought, oh, that’s for like everyone else was meditating.
20:25
And I’ll tell you, like in the first time. If you’ve never meditated before like you sit down and you’re like, Am I Doing This Right. Or like you do it for like two minutes and you’re like, Oh my gosh, that was the longest two minutes of my life.
20:37
But what it really helped me to do is I, you know, between our businesses between having kids and everything else. Our minds are always running so fast.
20:47
And what I found was that
20:48
I wasn’t able to even know what was going on because like most people, I was just running through life in the motions and not really living. And as you said, I actually was a traveling business consultant. So I would fly out on Monday mornings before my family got up.
21:04
And I would hopefully get back on Thursday nights of flights were good, if not I get back on Friday.
21:08
So I was like, I literally called another hotel. I was staying in my home.
21:13
At one point on accident.
21:14
Because I was in another city, five days a week and I was with my family, two days a week.
21:19
Wow. And so what I had realized as I was kind of going through all that stuff is
21:26
Basically, we’ve got a we’ve only got a limited amount of time, you know, with our kids. We’ve only got a limited amount of time, you know, with our family and we’ve
21:35
Really got to be intentional and take those moments and I didn’t realize it until I had drop my kid off my son off at his daycare program. One morning,
21:44
And we got on the car and I see everyone else like rushing to get their kids in the program. So they get to work and my son was starting to read the license plates.
21:53
And normally, my reaction would have been, well, I’m just gonna rush him along. And I just stopped and I looked around and I was like,
22:00
Everyone else is just so go go go. And I normally would have been, and I wouldn’t miss this amazing opportunity to see my son seeing letters and numbers and reading them and just enjoying it. And it was like that. I was like, how many other moments. Am I missing.
user avatar brandon handley
22:16
Become
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
22:16
A smartphone in my hand or because I’m worried about the next business thing. And it was at that point that I really started to be a lot more present with what was going on and just saw all the joys and all the things we have to be grateful for every day that
22:30
Or I had missed because I was just go go go right
user avatar brandon handley
22:32
Right now that that’s that’s a huge pivot point when you catch that in your own life.
22:38
Happened to me when I first started this podcast. Right. I first started this podcast and it’s been a lot of times, sitting in here.
22:46
You know, like I gotta do this thing. I gotta get this next person ready I’m doing it, I’m doing all the things and my son Finn walked into the room, he’s like, Hey, Dad, can we do any He trailed off and he goes on. Nevermind, your work and I was like this.
23:00
I don’t know what it is.
23:02
Right, right, right. It’s like, no, this is it. But you know, it’s in that moment, that sounds like it was just in that moment to realize
23:11
Just how important fatherhood is not just to them, but to you, just how important life is and just, I mean, you did take that moment and and that’s you can’t translate that to somebody who’s not a bad
23:21
It’s unfortunate right like you can’t translate that to the dude who who’s like, you know, you know, working 70 hours a day right and and doesn’t you know he’s just like, Oh, you got no invest. You got nothing. You’re like, as my fact I got everything I gotta go home and be with that right
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
23:38
Well, you know, and that’s the most important thing and like
23:41
You know, we’ve got three different businesses and our, our one we spend the most time on now is coaching entrepreneurs and the business in our book and our podcast is all called lifestyle builders.
23:51
And
23:51
The reason it didn’t used to be called that. But the reason we shifted that way is because what we realized was that
23:58
So many entrepreneurs, where they get an idea and they’d run with it. And it’s the same thing if you’re like very high career focused or whatever else.
24:06
And you don’t intentionally build your life or your business or whatever else to support your life.
24:11
And what we found from just seeing so many entrepreneurs, a little bit going through ourselves was that so many people would build a successful business or have a really good career and their life would fall apart along the way.
24:24
You know, I had an early coaching client who I helped
24:26
Him go from like a bunch of debt to like over a million dollar business and he like moved his family to another country and all these cool things. And I was like, yes, this is it. And then he came back a couple months later and he was like
24:38
Tom, I need your help. And I’m like, Listen man, whatever it is, we’ll get through it. We got through every other issue.
user avatar brandon handley
24:43
Right. He’s like,
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
24:45
You know she left me.
24:48
What do you mean he’s like my wife. She, she’s asking for a divorce and she took the kids back to us.
24:54
And talk about a punch in the gut and I had so many conversations with Ariana and I’m like, Listen, I don’t want to
25:02
Just help people build businesses, especially if it’s going to take away from her life. And so through a lot of conversations we said, you know what lifestyle builders, we’re gonna
25:10
Help people get clear on what they want out of their life and set up their business or career, whatever else.
25:16
To submit
25:17
And enable that instead of take it away.
user avatar brandon handley
25:20
I love that. I love that.
25:22
I love that. And the words you use. And this is just coming from another interview that her to do was I, you know, set of work life balance.
25:28
Do work life integration and, you know, just before you even, you know, jump into that. Did you come up with that. Have you checked out this book before because this is a good one. As a good course that talks about work like
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
25:39
That
user avatar brandon handley
25:40
This is total leadership by Stuart Friedman.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
25:43
No, but actually going to end this one list, apparently.
user avatar brandon handley
25:45
So you know what I love about it is it like you don’t have my camera can’t see my career, but like, I’ll pull up real quick so
25:52
These four dots that he’s got here basically represent the different areas of your life and he’s got like this Venn diagram that you do for, like, you know, sounds like it might be a good thing for you and your guys
26:02
Is you say, All right, well, here’s my spirituality. Here is my family. Here is my work. And here’s my community. How much of that overlaps.
26:09
And the more you can get all of it to overlap. You’ve got integration, you don’t want separation of anything in your life you want the whole life. I don’t want, I don’t want to life over here going to life over here like down here.
26:19
I want to want to kind of overlap. So I mean, talk to me a little bit about what your vision of like integration looks like though when you’re working with a client.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
26:25
Absolutely. So I love that. I’m going to check that out.
26:29
What it comes down to is basically figuring out what you want your life to look like and then making intentional decisions to make that a reality. And when we asked most people like, hey, what do you want your life to look like it’s like deer in the headlights. They don’t know
26:42
Because we’re also
26:43
Conditioned to just go through things and not really think about it.
26:46
And so one of the things that we first had to develop for ourselves. And then later on we realized other people could benefit from it, too.
26:53
Was we have this two page life planner that helps people like we talked about, like, GPS, it helps you set your destination.
27:00
And helps you figure out where you’re at today your starting point and then it helps you build a roadmap to incrementally gets your goals.
27:06
And what we found is that most people want for things. And there’s other stuff that can kind of fall within these categories.
27:14
First off, they, they want things right. They want a certain house or certain car they want material things.
27:22
And the second thing is they want experiences. They want to be able to travel their family. They want to be able to get out of that they want to be able to do certain things.
27:29
And for most people. Initially, we’re just in the survival mode, we want to take care of our families and usually we’re focused on the things in the experiences.
27:39
And then this weird thing happens when you get those things taken care of and you realize you have the money you need and all of that.
27:45
You almost get depressed because your whole reason for doing things was to take care of your family. Right. One day you work so hard and you realize you have it.
user avatar brandon handley
27:55
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
27:55
Well now what like what’s my purpose.
27:57
For sure. And what we found. Most people there. The next two things when we go from survive to thrive.
28:03
Right relationships.
28:04
So now deepening relationships with key people in your life and keep people you want to have in your life right then the final thing is impact the being able to help other people beyond you and your family. And what we found for most people is that we call that living your legacy
28:21
So a lot of people think about the legacy. They want to leave.
user avatar brandon handley
28:23
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
28:24
Out of proactively. What is the legacy. You want to live.
user avatar brandon handley
28:26
Right. Yeah, I don’t wanna. I don’t want to be a part of.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
28:31
It like you talked about if you’re not a father. Sometimes you can’t understand this.
28:36
One of the best things, anybody can do go spend time with an elderly person that is near the end of their life and they’re reflecting because the things that here in the things that you hear them focus on and what the regrets where
28:49
It’s number. I wish I were to work more it’s number. I wish I would have done, it’s, it’s, I wish I would have done this. I wish I would have spent more time with my family and
28:56
A lot of people look at me and they’re like Tom, you know, you’re so mature.
28:59
And I’m like, You know what, one of the greatest gifts. I’ve ever had was being able to be curious and in be around people that have been before me and ask them questions and take their answers to heart.
29:10
And one of the most important things is figure out what’s important to you and then live intentionally every day to have more of that.
user avatar brandon handley
29:18
I love that. I love that. I love that I’m
29:21
That I did that with my, my father in law, right. Like, I think you were talking earlier about not having a strong, you know, male character in your life. And I didn’t really have my father.
29:32
I met him once when I was older and he passed a few months later, so I didn’t really have them in my life. Right. And he wasn’t good role model. Anyways, but
29:42
You know, as some time. I appreciate and respect my father in law and I, you know, over cinema glasses and Chardonnay. I was like, hey, JOHN I was like you know what
29:50
If you could, you know, like the story earlier you if you could change something in your life if you do anything differently, what would it have been you go spend more time my family.
29:59
You know, he was a, you know, very. He was very successful in his business and career, but he wasn’t you know I wouldn’t say you wouldn’t wasn’t successful, but that’s the one thing you said right and you know what
30:10
I’ve taken that right and I spent at this work done and I had another there was another interview that I did with the gentleman who was a little bit older.
30:18
Who’s probably like in the mid, mid to late 50s and the same thing. It’s just focus on family, you know, focus on family and everything else comes out after that because I found. I’m sure that you see this, I mean your kids.
30:30
And your family is an immediate reflection of, like, who you are right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
30:35
Absolutely. And, you know, like
30:39
Unfortunately, I don’t think a lot of people ever learned this lesson. And for a lot of people. It’s much later in life than they would like it to be. And so
30:49
When, when I was traveling for that job, Arianna. I mean, Ariana was basically like a single mom.
30:55
Right, so we had a comment, like, one of the things we we’ve always done is we have this weekly meeting and we reflect on what went well, what wins that we have
31:03
Right challenges that we face. And we use that to then help drive what we do next. And I remember having one of our meetings where we step back. We said, Is this the life that we want to live traveling, five days a week you being here.
31:13
And the answer was no.
31:15
And then because of that. And because we knew what our core values were. It was such an easy decision to leave a well paying six figure consulting job.
31:24
To be home with family.
31:26
And
31:26
For anybody on the outside. And if I could tell you how much flack I got from people, especially people that maybe weren’t making that much money and if they were only focused on the money.
user avatar brandon handley
31:36
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
31:36
I got so much flak
31:38
And for me, it was, it was a non event because I’m like well one we’ve got two businesses and we’re making a decent income with that.
31:46
Um but anyways. It doesn’t matter how much money it is what matters is being able to spend time and be there with my kids.
31:53
And you know, that’s a big thing that we’re trying to share with people. Now it’s like really figure out what’s happy and figure out financially what that requires for you.
32:01
Most of us actually require a lot less money than we realize. But we just get so caught up and not really knowing what’s going to make us happy. And we’re with other things when you take and really figure out what makes you happy, like
32:14
People look at a lot of the stuff we have now and they’re like, well, why don’t you have like a nicer house or a nicer car or whatever else. And I’m like, I could really care less about that.
32:23
I drove around and like, you know, Carla had like 20,000 miles.
32:28
For like 10 years because that wasn’t what’s important to me.
32:31
I know like I have a nicer car now but
32:35
If that got taken away or whatever else it wouldn’t matter because my is here and my family’s first right
user avatar brandon handley
32:41
I love that you know if the things that that are like that like the cars and they own you right like eventually they own you. And they were ones that are kind of that’s forcing your hand in your life.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
32:52
You know, just, just a quick thing on that before we go, so
32:56
It is a lot of work to get like some people hear me say that and they’re like, well, of course, you can say that you have three businesses or you had a well paying career.
33:05
We put in a ton of work to make our lives this way. So I just want to let people know like whatever is important to you, you can make it happen.
33:14
You just have to one get clear on what that is.
33:16
And to commit to being intentional and do what you need to do every day to make it happen. So it’s not to say that money is not important. And if you’re struggling to pay your bills. Now, yes, you’re going to do those things.
33:27
Right. Realize that more money is never going to make you happy, you’re going to keep chasing that money and figure out what’s important to you.
user avatar brandon handley
33:35
Know not. Fair enough, fair enough Thea, you know, you talk about talk about it earlier. Right. Like, you get to these goals.
33:42
You get to a certain place you work really hard to get there. And then you get there and then like maybe you’re you’re
33:47
You’re disappointed and maybe you’re upset and you’re like, What do I do next, but
33:51
You know, talk a little bit about and this line. It took me a while until after I did my first coach. Right. I had my went to my first coach, only a few years ago and
34:02
When I started off. You hear all these one liners like is the journey, not the destination and you’re like shot up and then you’ve got like it’s who you be go make sure
34:15
But then you’re like, it’s about the journey, not the destination. It’s
34:21
Right. Like, I mean, let’s talk a little bit about that because it’s not like I mean the goals are apart. Right. The goals are a part of the achievements are a part of it. All these things but
34:31
It’s the journey, not the destination. Right. Like, what does that mean to you when i say that right
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
34:36
Yeah, you know, when I hear those things. And that’s why, that’s why I just brought up that last point, because
34:42
There’s certain thing you have to get to a certain level before you appreciated things. And sometimes those things that maybe trigger you
34:50
They trigger you for a reason. And usually it’s because it’s something you know or something that you want to be able to do, but you’re not at the level yet to where you accept that.
35:00
And so that’s why I say like the one of the best things we can all do is listen to the people that have come before us, because they’ve been there. They have a lot of experience and we can learn a lot from them.
35:10
So to me, 100%. I agree. It’s about the journey. And part of what I think helps all of us be successful is appreciating every day. And that is when things go well appreciate and pat yourself on the back for everything you did to make that happen.
35:26
And when things don’t go well in the same vein, realize that it was 100% on you the decisions you made what you did or didn’t do that all like you’re right here right now because of every little thing that led up to this point.
user avatar brandon handley
35:41
Your decisions every decision you made.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
35:43
Absolutely. In some people look at that and they’re like, they see the negative
35:47
But what you really want to look at a say as a result of that, that means I have complete control over all the decisions I make going forward. When you look at people that are successful, they have what’s called a victim mentality.
36:00
And they’re looking at everything that happens and basically say,
36:03
How can I learn from it. If I want to get somewhere. How did that person get there and what can I do, they’re asking questions.
36:08
If you look at somebody that’s not successful. They typically have a victim mentality to where something happens in there like poor me
36:15
This thing happened to me and they basically gave up all their control. So when I hear something like, you know, it’s really about the journey.
36:23
It’s really about your perspective and realizing that every step along the way you have the ability to decide how you react and what you do from there. And that decision will lead to whatever outcome you get
user avatar brandon handley
36:36
I love that love that and the other thing you said this also came from another interview.
36:43
You know, you’ve got your journey. You’ve got the goals, but it’s not like you’re not going to turn into the this person who you become and you’re not going to get
36:53
It all because you said this is hard work. But you said
36:56
Do one small thing that like gets you to that goal, right, like you talked about doing your Friday night field trips. But before you only have like a couple hours a night and being intentional with that time. Talk a little bit about that.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
37:07
Yeah, you know what it comes down to is a lot of times people set goals and they just see the big goal. They don’t break them down. So I’ll give you a couple examples.
37:17
One of the things we want to do was get a bigger house and so getting a bigger house requires more money and different stuff going on. So we could either say, well, it’s either a bigger house or nothing.
37:27
Or we could dive deeper and we say, why do we want a bigger house. Well, in our case, it was, well, we wanted to get the toys out of the living room and get a dedicated playroom for the kids.
37:37
So that we started brainstorming. You said, Well, without getting a bigger house. What can we do in the meantime to do that.
37:43
So we actually had our kids share a room which they love and then we create a toy room out of the other room. So that’s a great example of
37:50
Being able to take a big goal that you want to get to and then break it down into incremental steps that you can do now. And a lot of people just focused on the end result. They don’t focus on. Well, what are the incremental steps that they can do to get there. I
user avatar brandon handley
38:04
Love it. I love it. And because we live in, not only in instant download
38:11
higher speed downloads faster cars. How can I get somewhere faster and do something faster and how can I 10 X today’s results tomorrow.
38:19
Right. We live in that moment where we just want it all right now, but there’s there’s so much in between.
38:26
That if we just take like one small step towards it today that shows us that we can do it but but
38:32
In the other side of this is like we also in that instantaneous thing. We also live in this all or nothing society. Right. Well, if I can’t have it all by tomorrow 10 x. And I don’t want any of it right so
38:44
I think it’s really important that people take away from what you said there’s to do these small things that can get you closer towards of vision of what you want versus not doing you know anything at all right do something, anything small
38:57
Whatever I can do within your means today.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
39:00
Yeah. Well, and, you know, we often talk about this whole journey has like a GPS, you get a starting point. You got a destination.
39:06
And then what really sets the GPS, apart from like a map is that you’re constantly checking in, right, you drive a little bit or you walk a little bit and then it checks in and it says
39:15
Here was the path. I was going to be on here’s where I’m at. Is it the same path. Yes, let me keep going forward. If it’s not
39:22
Now we say, okay, well, there’s two things we can do. We can either change the path because we learn something new. And now we thought this was important, but we realize it’s not
39:29
Or we say we’re off the path to get us to our goals. Now we got to reroute redirect and get back up. But all of that comes from that one step and doing it every day. It doesn’t come from a giant leap and that’s where a lot of people like they think success is like a one time event.
39:45
And one of the favorite quotes that I had and I got it back when I was playing basketball a coach said, you know, the championships are not one on the night of the big games, but by years before by athletes that dedicate themselves to championship principles daily
40:00
When I heard that. Like that’s stuck with me.
40:02
Now,
40:03
I realized was, you know, people, you know, people see some successful event and they think that that’s a success.
40:11
That’s success was every single day doing the right habits and doing the right things to leave there and that’s far too often when people don’t understand that just see the big outcomes.
40:20
You know, if you hear a news story or if you see a movie or anything else. It’s highlighting that events and oftentimes what people don’t see is the unsexy part along the way that allowed that to happen.
user avatar brandon handley
40:31
Right, right, that their grind blood. The tears all the all the hours, all the time. But, you know, how are you teaching this to your children, what’s something, how are they getting this from you.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
40:40
I love that question every day you know we we model. What we want them to see. And so, you know, even like one of the best things we did was
40:51
As part of our life planner, you know, we defined our family core values we defined
40:57
What behaviors we wanted to have as a family. And we actually came up with a family mission statement. And so by doing that together. What that basically did was created filters for us. And now, like, one of the things you said there’s so much going on with 10 X everything all this stuff.
41:12
Oftentimes, what happens is that we get decision fatigue and we’re trying to make so many decisions that sometimes we get to the end of the day, and we’re just so tired.
41:21
That we don’t make intentional decisions with our kids and with our family. So part of what we did was we made it easy for us we gave ourselves core values.
41:28
And a very clear way to make decisions. And so what that allows us to do is every day, we’re able to live the way we want. And to be able to show that to our kids.
41:38
And so an important part of that is not telling our kids what to think, but helping them to learn how to think and so we we don’t want them to believe the same things spiritually that we do or
41:53
Religious or politically that we do what we want to do is we want to ask questions and invite them to think and let them come up with
42:01
You know their own beliefs on things. And so that’s been I think our most important thing is not giving them the answers but truly being leaders and helping to guide them to come up with their own answers.
user avatar brandon handley
42:14
Right now, I love that. A lot of times, you know, my older son, he’s the one
42:20
Who’s always got the questions and kind of get a hand with this. Come on. Can you help me with that.
42:23
I got to ask them like, you know, what did you, what have you tried already, you know, have you tried anything already because I want you to
42:29
I want you to be able to come to me for help.
42:32
But I also want you to be able to say, hey, I tried these few things that you know maybe we’ve looked at before. A lot of times it’s like hey, how can I get this mod to work on Minecraft and I get that right, like it’s been
42:41
Like, what have you done you know how far have you gotten there like, you know, you know, walk me through what you’ve tried. Don’t just don’t just come running to me for help. Again, I’ll help you, but put some effort into it.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
42:52
That’s one of the things you know like I think a lesson that we all have been, I would say like talking correctly, is how to view failure.
43:00
You know,
43:01
At least the way I was growing up, and I think in schools and everything else. It’s to avoid failure. And what ends up happening. And I think we’ve seen this with, you know, maybe the generation.
43:10
After me is you know we we avoid failure so much that one. Kids are never exposed to failure and they don’t know how to deal with it and then to what ends up happening failure happens inconsistently, but it happens on a big scale.
43:25
And when it happens.
43:26
People don’t know how to react to it. So especially being entrepreneurs. We view failure is an everyday thing and we want to fail more often. But we want to fail on a smaller scale.
43:36
So it’s not as big of a risk to us.
43:38
And we can learn and grow from that. So that’s been another big thing too that I think has come from our entrepreneurship side.
user avatar brandon handley
43:45
Into parenting.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
43:46
Is been actually encouraging our kids to fail and letting that happen because just like me.
43:52
All those challenges and all the failures. I had to go through and overcome. Let me be the person I am today. It’s the same thing with our kids.
43:59
Like letting them fall in Scraped knee letting them do some of these things and I think far too often we try to protect our kids too much.
44:07
And we actually end up hurting them more than helping because we don’t help them develop these skills and these emotional traits to be able to deal with life and what comes at us.
user avatar brandon handley
44:15
Now, I like that, too. But you know, I think that that comes from the entrepreneur space. I think for that comes
44:22
We’re seeing so much more. I feel like we’re seeing so much more of it now.
44:26
Where they’re breaking out of you talked about it again on another podcast about like breaking out of like the tweet walls right like and be like, this isn’t my life, this doesn’t have to be my life.
44:37
But since I know this isn’t my life. What do I want my life to look like now right and and so asking yourself, all these questions now, you’re like, Well, I want I want my children to
44:46
To do that for themselves to right and so I think that the entrepreneur mindset facilitates that mindset for your children and I love, I love seeing that show up there so
44:56
Thanks for answering, like, you know, how do we show our children that right let’s do some rapid fire ones brother will let you get out of here. So a couple of them that you. What does fatherhood mean to you.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
45:06
That’s a good question. You know, I think fatherhood means that you’re able to help these tiny humans grow in, you know, really leave or live your legacy and it’s the way that you can carry on everything that you’ve learned to be able to pass that on and keep it going.
user avatar brandon handley
45:25
Nice, nice. What do you feel like your legacy is going to be
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
45:29
I hope my legacy is, you know, people just saying, you know, Tom was a great guy.
45:34
And there’s gonna be a lot of really good stuff we do, but at the end of the day, if someone can look at me and be like, yeah, he was a really good person. That’s all I did.
user avatar brandon handley
45:41
That’s awesome. It’s not going to say something like he was really good with spreadsheets.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
45:45
That that
45:46
That might be the subtitle
user avatar brandon handley
45:47
It was really good at spreadsheets. What was your relationship like with your father.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
45:52
It was a it was up and down, you know,
45:56
Basically when my parents got divorced
45:59
You know, there was rumors that he had cheated on my mom and I had a conversation with him. And he said, nope. I didn’t do it. And so when they got divorced. I stayed with him and then several months later I found out that he did
46:12
That really caused a lot of challenges and you know we have a we have a good relationship today, but it took me really going through a lot to
46:21
To work through that because when you have this person that you put on this pedestal.
46:25
And suddenly you know this thing of your family breaking apart that you never thought would happen happens and you know you go through something like that. It really makes you one question. A lot of things.
46:36
But then to I think the positive coming out of that. Is it really helped me to shape what kind of father. I wanted to be.
user avatar brandon handley
46:43
Of that what is what is something that your father did for you while you’re growing up, or even today that you do as a father.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
46:52
That’s great question.
46:54
I think he takes me and involve me in what he was doing. So, for example, my father was a construction worker.
47:01
And so he would, you know, take me to the jobs and just kind of show me what he was doing and he exposed me to, you know, how we made money and what things look like. And
47:12
I do that all the time with our kids we we take them on, you know, we call daddy daughter dates or mommy son dates and we expose them to what we do in the business as well as just kind of what the rest of our lives look like
user avatar brandon handley
47:24
Well, that I love that. Let me ask this question is I don’t think I’ve ever asked, so I’m not sure how it’s going to come out. But, uh,
47:29
Yeah, you know,
47:32
Actually came out yesterday is doing a chapter for a book that I’m working on, but in teaching your children.
47:39
How To Make Money versus creating value for others.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
47:44
Yeah, what we always look at is
47:47
So many people think entrepreneurship is about having a great idea and then selling that
47:54
What we look at is looking for a problem, it’s solving that so what we always teach our kids is. What’s the problem we’re trying to solve.
48:02
And then, what can we do to solve that. So we always like we always talk about money is the byproduct of providing value to somebody else. So by looking for problems and then challenging them to think about how they can solve it.
48:14
They come to realize that when they do that, they get money. So we’ve been trying to kind of train them that thought process rather than like make money first
user avatar brandon handley
48:23
Yeah, I love that. I love that. Like, I mean, because we don’t want to teach them to exchange hours for money. We want to, you know, from, from my perspective, anyways, as a parent, I want to teach them to
48:35
Give value for, you know, get you know get money for providing value or providing results for somebody else.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
48:41
Yeah, and a great story on that. So we live in New York. So we get a lot of snow in the winter and we forgot to renew our plow contract this last winter so we had a heavy snow.
48:52
And I get up early in the morning I went out shovel the driveway, and I came back in
48:56
And when I came in my son and my daughter were there and they both gave me money out of their piggy banks and I’m like, what do you guys doing what’s this for
49:05
And they’re like, well, you know, Mommy’s got to get out and drive us, and you went out and shovel that before she got there. So you deserve money and I was like oh my gosh, like I’m parent of the year like listen to the lesson that our kids picked up.
user avatar brandon handley
49:19
And their
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
49:20
Own money and paying it to me because they saw me do something nice for somebody else.
user avatar brandon handley
49:24
That’s great. I love that. I love that too. Um, what about meditation and your children do you do try to get them to meditate, to try and teach them that skill.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
49:34
Absolutely. Um, you know, my, my wife hasn’t necessarily got into meditating yet. But one of the things that I started doing was at night before we go to bed just doing a two minute meditation. And so what’s cool is the app that I use actually has a kid’s version.
user avatar brandon handley
49:48
Which only knows
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
49:49
headspace
user avatar brandon handley
49:50
I love it.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
49:51
Yeah, and so they they actually adjust the lesson and make it relevant to kids. So yeah, we have a routine at night before we go to bed and the kids and I’ll lay on what we call the comfy bed, which is our giant king size bed.
50:05
And we’ll just spend a couple minutes kind of meditating and reflecting on the day and I’ll tell you it’s made such a big shift in I think their awareness and their ability to kind of slow down and appreciate things
user avatar brandon handley
50:17
Now it’s awesome. It’s awesome. My oldest listens to Wayne Dyer going to sleep right because
50:24
That’s what I
50:25
That’s a look, man. I just i’d like they would listen to, like other things. And finally, I was like, I was like, Screw it. I’ll pick into things, because if I’m gonna lay down with you guys before you go to sleep. And if I have to stay here.
50:34
I want to listen to something to so I’d listen to, like, Wayne Dyer Alan Watts, all these guys but we started with headspace
50:40
And it’s funny because at our house. We have, you know, the two kids and one likes headspace the other one likes calm. It’s like we’ve got the real battle of the real battle of the the meditation apps going on at home so
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
50:51
Funny.
user avatar brandon handley
50:51
Pretty funny, um, you know, I heard you talking about Stephen Covey’s seven habits. What are some other book resources that you have found have had the greatest impact on you as a father.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
51:03
Yeah. Seven Habits was definitely one, there’s a two books out there, forgetting the names now like 52 things that every daughter needs from their father and 52 things every son needs from their father.
51:15
Those are both big I actually picked them up the airport. When I felt terrible for leaving the kids and then that started me to basically do like daddy daughter days to make sure things
51:25
Sure. Um, there’s one the seven principles of highly successful marriage.
51:30
Game changer in terms of your relationship with your spouse.
51:35
Another one is principles by Ray Dalio and basically the book talks about all the principles, he’s learned both and running his business as well as his life. And what was really cool for me was when I read it, I read it recently, the last couple years.
51:50
So much of it aligned with what I had seen as well. So for me it was a lot of validation that the stuff that we’re doing, and the stuff that we’ve learned somebody that’s much further ahead and experienced a lot more life really is aligned with that. So that was really cool.
user avatar brandon handley
52:05
Well, the question for you because I think that you’ve probably had more coaching prior to with your business and your business ventures.
52:16
Than before you had kids can crack down on that, yes or no, like, did you have coaching business coaching and mentoring you before having kids.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
52:23
Yes, I did. Before you ask the question, the one thing I’ll say is that I actually got to a point where I had had coaching. I had success. And then I stopped.
52:32
And I stopped because I basically let my ego, get in the way and I felt like I couldn’t get coaching or ask questions because people expected me to have all the answers, and they would think that I was a fraud or in a
user avatar brandon handley
52:45
Monster. If I did. Right, right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
52:47
One of the big lessons that I learned was, you know, we always need coaching and support and we can’t let our ego, get in the way of learning and becoming better
user avatar brandon handley
52:55
Yeah man, look, I mean, what if we take away. Tom Brady’s coach. Do you think he’s still going to do as well. Right.
53:00
Yeah, look.
53:00
Tiger Woods still has a coach. I mean you know these guys all these guys are all high performance individuals have a coach like almost all times, right. So I love that. Um,
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
53:13
Yeah, well, and I mean to that point, like what we tell people, and people don’t realize is, you know, the more successful you are the more support you need.
53:22
And so like when we decided to go to a marriage counselor last year.
53:26
We didn’t see it as like a negative thing even though there’s a lot of stigma around it.
user avatar brandon handley
53:29
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
53:30
We said we we set a goal that we set the focus to put ourselves first. Well, I even though we’re trying. We always try to be intentional like the kids have come first and the businesses come first. We’re like, let’s take care of our mind our body, our relationship.
53:42
And we always see coaching as something everyone should do and whatever is important to you, like, you should be investing into it.
53:51
And it always be financially, it might be time or I might be energy, but
53:55
Investing and coaches and support and getting the right environment at people around you is one of the best things you can do to really be successful and to, you know, have
54:05
The best life and everything you want because we all need support and the sooner you realize that. And the sooner you surround yourself with support, the sooner. You’re going to feel more comfortable or confident, anything you want to do.
user avatar brandon handley
54:17
Now, absolutely, absolutely. Man, it’s great that you found that I feel like you found that at an earlier age and like it’s really deep it’s showing right and it’s working for you.
54:28
You know, I was a counterculture kind of jerk. I’m like, Well, like I don’t need anybody. I got a lone wolf this crap right and and and you know it really
54:36
Really comes to mind is like you know who you spend your time with right it matters and and you know, do you want to spend time with people, not just because they’re going to help make you better. But
54:46
The intention is that you’re going to make them better as well. You talk a little bit earlier about teaching children failure. Right.
54:53
We I’ve got my my oldest is in Jiu Jitsu Brazilian Jiu Jitsu right like he gets choked out all the time, right. And, but now he doesn’t take it as personally. He just knows that that getting choked out
55:03
Failing to defend that choke failing in a moment. Doesn’t mean that he’s a failure for the rest of his life or anything like that. That’s just a moment that you know you didn’t get tapped out your on your odds and next one. So what’s next. All right. Don’t get caught in that choke again.
default user avatar Unknown Speaker
55:18
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
55:19
Doesn’t say I was just thinking. So my daughter has been obsessed with this, um, video game recently. So we were playing the other night and you know I up the level because we were doing really good so I opted to the next level difficulty.
55:30
And start losing. And I’m like, oh man, we’re bad
55:33
He’s like, she’s like, No, daddy. We just had a bad game. We just need to play better. We’re good.
user avatar brandon handley
55:37
Right.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
55:38
You just didn’t play that could that game.
55:40
I was like, man, look at the insights that you know kids had
user avatar brandon handley
55:44
Fathers here again.
default user avatar Unknown Speaker
55:46
Yeah.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
55:48
I, I tell my wife every day. I’m like, obviously we’re
55:50
Biased. I’m like, well, we’re raising amazing kids. I’m like,
55:55
It’s just crazy and how much they pick up. And when you’re intentional about doing
user avatar brandon handley
55:59
This yes
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
56:00
Whether you see it or not, like they’re getting it.
user avatar brandon handley
56:03
Yeah. Well, I mean, that was the so the mirror comment earlier in our conversation is like, Listen, if
56:09
You don’t think that you’re leading by some type of example. And if you hear your child like kind of being mean. Or there’s a tone that they’re using. You’re like, oh my god, that’s me right yeah that’s that’s your opportunity to, you know, right the ship to fix it all up. Right.
56:27
Your children find this podcast 10 years from now, because podcasts are so awesome and and they’re like, what was my dad saying about me, what is something that you would like to thank them for and why
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
56:41
You know i i you know if you guys, listen to this now. I like to thank you guys for just being you.
56:47
You know, our, our kids really do what they want to do and don’t worry about what other people think and i think in this day and age where
56:57
Everyone’s so worried about what other people think about them to wear like, for example, our son grew out longer hair and then he saw that
57:06
You know, sister had a ponytail. So he started putting a man been on the top of his head, and I walked into his daycare one day.
57:14
And this girl said oh ties a girl he’s got a ponytail and girl sunglasses on. And he’s like, No girls can wear boys can wear purple sunglasses and boys can have this and just seeing, you know, you guys be able to do what you want to do and not worry about what other people think is amazing.
user avatar brandon handley
57:32
I love that. I love that. So, you know, allowing them to express their individuality, they’ve stuck to that. And that’s what’s the 10 years from now, you’re thanking them for
57:41
Anything left rather that you feel like we should be letting people know
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
57:47
The fatherhood, so I don’t know man, we covered a lot here and you know I just tell people that you know one Brenda, thank you for what you’re doing. I mean, when I when I came across this podcast a while ago, I was like, you know, man. We need more of this.
57:59
And you know like you do such an amazing job with bringing amazing fathers on and asking really good conversation.
58:05
And, you know, I’m just honored to be here and to be able to share any insights that I have with people and just know whenever you’re going through. We all go through it.
58:14
And realize that you’ve got people around you that care about you that are willing to support you and sometimes you just gotta ask, even if it’s uncomfortable.
user avatar brandon handley
58:24
Oh, that’s awesome. And thanks for I want to say thank you because you know took us a while. I think I was like two years to get this one together.
58:31
Mostly on me on that one. All of it, um,
58:35
But like you know what you’re offering out there for coaching and and helping other entrepreneurs get themselves situated is I think one of a kind where you are truly focused on you and and also through your own experience.
58:47
Of focusing on family first helping them to design a lifestyle that is really true and meaningful.
58:53
As I hear you talking about you know it’s it’s it’s purpose driven. It’s the values driven and you know it’s from the heart. So
59:00
I I want everybody, you know, go ahead and reach out the time you’re at Tom and ariana.com I’ll go ahead and share that link as well. You’re also a lifestyle builders that lifestyle builders. COM. I’m sorry.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
59:10
It’s we are lifestyle builders com
user avatar brandon handley
59:12
Okay, and then you get you mean, look, I mean, if you go, you guys have all kinds of podcast. You’ve got all kinds of content. I think that, you know, it’s all very, very well done. It’s all
59:20
You know, I think it’s all impactful. So thank you for that anywhere else you want me to send people to come check. Yeah.
user avatar Tom & Ariana Sylvester
59:26
So we do have a book coming out. It’s a sound pre order right now. It’ll be out in October. It’s called lifestyle builders. And basically, if you’re looking for that you can go to lifestyle builders book calm.
user avatar brandon handley
59:37
Sweet, man. Well, looking forward to that being released. I know it’s going to have a lot of value and again
59:43
It’s just you done it in a way where families first and and that’s what we’re here for. Right, father of the rest of us and family first. All right, top. Thank you.

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