Super excited to be able to share this conversation that I had with Jeremy recently!
Check out his info below:
Hi. I’m Jeremy – the kung fu guy And i am on a mission to empower kids to speak up for themselves and never let anyone – adult or child – take advantage of them.
This is so important to me it’s why I started my own kung fu school to help kids gain confidence in themselves that will help to empower them in every area of life.
This is so important to me because I myself was abused —TWICE— when I was a child.
Once when I was 5 by a security guard and again a year later by two kids up the street.
Because I was so young, I didn’t blame them. I didn’t think – THIS is wrong.
I blamed MYSELF. I thought I was wrong. And I had to hide.
I know the pain and problems when kids don’t speak up, don’t know who to trust, think the world is better without them.
And I buried the memories and I acted out for over 20 years. Angry. Scared. Afraid. Didn’t trust anyone.
Didn’t even talk about the abuse until I was in my 30s. See, I believe everything happens for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
But only if we choose to unlock the lessons. But today, today my life is in a completely different place.
I am many things – kung fu master, international champion, school owner, bestselling author, husband and father.
But , most important, I am at peace with my past. I’m on a mission to light up the world, one child at a time. And I’d love to have you join me.
Connect with Jeremy on Facebook (CLICKME!)!
Awesome. Awesome. Alright. In 54321 Hey there fatherhood for the rest of us. It is Brandon Handley and I am on today with Jeremy road rock, who is helping entrepreneurial dads connected home.
influencer kids and rock their wives. He is the Head owner instructor of Magnus martial arts of Centerville and multiple
Author of multiple books, you know, I’m just really happy to have Jeremy on here today, he connected. I think it’s been quite a few months now probably about half a year, I’d say.
Yeah, maybe around that and I’m
Trying to get get together on this fatherhood for the rest of his podcast for a little while now. And here we are, we finally made it. Jeremy, tell me something that I can help you celebrate today, brother.
Well, we’ve had the my stepsons been with us for the last three weeks, he goes back tomorrow to his dad’s house. And so we’ve had a really great time with him. We had
Four days of vacation that we surprised the kids with with drove to the beach and my daughter’s four and a half, she’s never been to the beach.
They both loved it. She had a great time, they both got slammed ones because the inner tube. If you sit on top of it in the pool.
In the ocean with the breakers, not a good idea.
Learned we learned some things today.
Awesome, awesome. I love that. I love that.
The, the way is take no prisoners. Right. They don’t care how big you are,
Pretty sure you’re going under. So anyway, let’s kick it around a little bit like you know what
What is something that you want people to leave with if they just decided that they don’t want to listen to this whole podcast. They just want to know, Jeremy, what is like one or two things you can leave me with as far as it relates to
I’m gonna say martial arts, because that’s your huge and that right. And then the second part is parenting to those things they go away. What do you want to leave them with some golden nuggets with
Will say one thing, same fighting and raising kids being a husband, being a father.
The, the number one thing is this idea of positional authority versus influential leadership and you really need to be operating in influence when you’re sparring.
You got to get somebody to play your game if you’re playing there’s you’re going to get. You’re going to get chopped
So, so you got to figure out what is my strategy. They like to. They like to kick. I want to strike, they will have a strike. I want to grapple they want to grapple I want to kick you know rock, paper, scissors.
So how do you get to that.
Place where I could get them to start playing my game. I gotta leave openings. I got to entice them. I got to know what motivates them what their priorities are and I can feed them what they need to take action.
Not fighting leads to my advantage because I can, I can make them dance.
And with your kids with your spouse, you know, same deal. How did that influence what influences them and that’s like such a critical skill, because a lot of guys we get into this thing where we tunnel vision we dig our heads and dig our heels, and I know I’m right. Damn it.
But you’re losing everybody at the same time, and no one wants to listen to you because you’re a jerk. So, adjust the communication, not
Give up your point of view.
I love that. I love that so that that works in both, you know, in the martial arts and as parents. You Two birds, one stone brother.
Well done, well done. So, you know, let’s talk about your journey through martial arts. And you know what it is that’s made you become a full time instructor run the gym and stuck with it, for I think you spent 20 plus years around 20 yesterday right
2024. Yes, sir.
Wow. So yeah, take us on the journey.
Well, I was I was one of those really smart kids that know the adults could get a hold of or influence and I went through some things that are very young age. I wasn’t conscious of
But I was basically running a game of I am the only person I can rely on for my survival. So I always stood like with my back to the wall. I always knew the lay of the land.
I always knew who was wearing what was going on. I was very, very observed that I was really quiet.
Because I was observing everything I had to know, well, how do I have to show up in this environment. And so that made me a very interesting kid and teenager and really smart. I got kicked out of the gifted breeding program gifted math program and middle school and
So I just had a hard time growing up and I kind of had to socialize myself, figure out why is things the way they are and I started martial arts. When I was 20 and
It gave me a way to get out of my head so much and get kind of back into my body and actually build confidence not projecting this this intellectual dominance thing that I would I would throw out because
I didn’t like me, I know you’re going to reject me. I’m not going to wait wait for you to do it on your terms. I’m gonna do it on my terms.
So like one of my Kung Fu brothers. The first time I met him, he went to shake hands. And I said, oh, I don’t shake hands. He’s like, Oh yeah, why is that
Well, shaking hands is an ancient greeting between warriors to signify, you’re not carrying a weapon, but you studied martial arts, which means your whole body is a weapon. And so that means you’re lying, and I believe in line.
Right, right, right. I, you know,
I mean, that’s, that’s, you know, look, that’s one way to go and and it sounds
Like you kind of caught yourself though.
Before before became too long. Like that’s
So well you pattern right
Well, that was 20 and I didn’t really kind of get things going. And talk about 26 he did. He hated my guts for about three years. Sure. I was I’m 511 and 140 pounds soaking wet.
I’m gonna run my mouth like that. And it’s just like
Oh, he prayed that I would last until sparring. He was gonna hurt me, and I did and he beat the crap out of me. And it wasn’t any fun because I was like
That was cool. Do it again. And it was like every have a dog that wants a toy and then you give it to it. It doesn’t want the toy anymore.
It’s kind of like that where he just he wanted to hurt because I was such an arrogant piece of crap.
And it turns out I actually wasn’t who I presented myself as there was this other stuff going on under the surface. And so he beat the crap out. It’s like
You’re just you’re you’re you’re relentless, David. This is insane because he would just he would beat the snot out of me. And I would just love it. Get up and come right back, and I would learn to improve and
So it was like he saw my real character underneath. So it took me about six years to really kind of mellow. OK.
And then, and then yeah and then noticing kind of the impact that martial arts made on me and kind of reintegrating me as a person.
Sure that I noticed I had an ability, especially with the kids that were a little bit more, you know, diffident they were more put up a wall keep their distance hard to hard to influence. They didn’t want to play the games.
But they wanted to be there. They were just hard to reach and those are the kids that I like work with the best because I
Could just kind of nudge them. I knew that energy
And I could just nudge them here and there and kind of spark them and challenge them that they would come back at me.
Right, and that’s how that’s how we played the game and life got really amazing. And so, you know,
Knowing the impact martial arts had on me. I want to open a school. I want to teach as well to impact other lives other families because from six to about 26 I was a jerk. That didn’t, it didn’t need to happen, but nobody around me knew what to do or how to work with me.
Right, so now I’m who I needed when I was six.
Oh, for sure. For sure. I love that. I love that. You know, I think that that’s now. I think that’s kind of how we are as like parents to right when we were like, you know, whatever was missing. We’re trying to fill that up right you know
It’s like a big old
Big old cover spackle like there was a hole there, we’re going to create a party that up. We’re going to fix this one over here and and all these things that I didn’t have. I’m going to give to you. So, but
When that sounds like kinda like we’re doing with with some of these kids right you’re able to recognize these traits. These like you said this dissidents and staying away from it all.
And being able to pull them in and engage them. And now, how much does your degree. I think you had like some psychology in there, right. Does that work with this very well and and helping that along
Yeah, I had, I took philosophy and psychology in college.
And I didn’t quite finish it because martial arts.
Stuff that were grandmasters 40 5060 years they’ve been training, they’re not going to be here forever.
So I took those opportunities, but I did continue my education. I have hypnotherapy neuro linguistic programming neuro strategies. So I have other frameworks. Besides, you know college type psychology and that stuff that absolutely applies.
You know, as a kid, you have psychology of reverse psychology. Well, I was smart enough to figure out, you’re trying to push me this way. So I’m going to go sideways and neither of us are going to be happy if you
I got a question for you. I mean, so, you know, you recognize that and you see that
What are some of the strategies that you’re using to engage and keep the children engaged. If it’s not one of those other things, right, if it’s not like this direct hey go do this. And you’re like, man.
Right, right. So, so first thing I got to do is I kind of figure out are they in what I call dog training mode or are they in training mode and there’s a there’s a pop that happens when you’re you’re born
Up until about three, four years old. You’re in cat training mode and you only care about what you care about you ever try and motivate a cat.
You have to use what they want. You can’t use anything else and you can’t use negative reinforcement, because if you smack a cat. They look at you like, what was that you do it a second time, they’re done with you.
We’re gonna get some claws along the way. A dog will be like, Oh, my bad. Sorry, dude.
Right now. So, so about four somewhere between three and five. That’s when the dog training mode kicks in the herd instinct shows up. We want to be part of the group. And what is going on with the group matters that sort of stuff.
And that’ll last generally around 10 years old between 10 and 12 the herd with the family unit drops down
Here begins to increase your influence the parent starts to drop because your kids are now making their own decisions and
Then they go back in the cat trading mode, but they have that underlying dog integrated now and they, they do have that loyalty. They do have that sense of things, but they care about what they care about.
And so if I’m on that second
Phase of cat training mode, then I’ve just got to align with what they want. It’s like, dude, you want to buy the car. I love for you to buy the car. What has to happen first.
Right. Well, I mean,
Look around the room.
Look around your room. Does it make them feel warm big and happier, not so much.
Not so much. Great. So if you’re almost like this. What’s my answer. Do you want to borrow the car, not so much.
So you take care, your stuff and then I’ll take care of my stuff. This is how it works. You got to give to get dude.
So this is what you want to have happen. I would love for that. What needs to happen and by asking what needs to happen, they begin to start thinking they begin to own their answers versus us telling them.
And we’re doing what’s called ladder and we’re giving them the process of logic that they can begin to think for themselves. We’re training them how to make their own decisions right so that it so that 18 they’re actually intelligent adults that can make choices.
Versus giant children who are still holding on to the coattails all the time.
For sure, for sure. I mean, it sounds like coaching.
Right. I mean, it’s exactly what it is.
I mean, you know, when we, when we when we’re coaching people we want to give them the tools wanting to have the answers. Give us the answers back right like so we’re not feeding the answers.
Nope, because that’s not really being of service to them codependence and you know it’s not let them go off on their own. So
The kids when I work with the kids. What we say as adults is trivia because it’s just information, what they say is gospel. So how do I engineer the conversation. So they take owner
If we work with a family and they have a split home and the kid is here and the kid is there and how do we handle rules both places. It’s like he’s you just sit down and write on the rules.
Right. Do what yeah your kids, eight years old.
Right down the rules and here’s the rules in our house. I can’t speak to Dad’s house because he doesn’t you know that’s not hear that you’re here.
Right. What are the rules here when they come over for your house for visitation you pull out the rules and go hey, just quick reminder that we good. Alright, cool.
And that’s it. It’s just like, hey, we’re playing baseball. We’re playing football. So if, if you think we’re playing baseball. I think we’re playing football you pick out the stick. And I’m like, what do you do, and then I run a tackle, you’re going, What am I doing
JUST CLARIFY real quick and then as they get older, be like, hey, this rule. It’s not fair. It’s not right. Alright, cool. Well, here’s the goal. Here’s the goal for that rule or here’s what why it’s there.
How would you change it and then you’re allowing them to become
More competent and more capable. I don’t wanna. I don’t want to have to micromanage you dude I wipe my own, but I don’t want to wipe yours too, for sure.
And then that gives them the freedom to change that conversation and you’re constantly going ahead check my daughter’s four and a half. And she started telling stories. Three weeks ago.
And and she’s in her aunt’s house and just playing on coloring, whatever. And somehow we don’t know just magic.
Pink ended up as an excellent.on the couch and her aunt has a camera in the living room. So we know exactly what happened. But we got a story. It’s like, Hey, did you do this. No, but she blinks our eyes a whole lot when she makes up stories.
So she now has like there’s this whole world of shift in the last three weeks because she now has a screen between us and she has her own internal world at her own ideas, different from us. And she started to realize that
And, and I can tell you stuff that isn’t exactly
True, because you don’t know. And so it’s really interesting to see kind of the growth in her as a person. She’s regressed a little bit with meltdowns, I think you’re going to come back out of that now.
But just watching her her like shift gears and integrate new knowledge. It’s like, dude, this is super cool.
Yeah, not it is
Yeah, it’s, it’s super you know it’s really, it’s really amazing to see the transitions from
Now we’ll just call it like different states of consciousness, right, like as they kind of level up and now
My, my oldest is just nine but even that like you still see like every year, every six months, every couple months. See these shifts and like and what they what they recognize and it’s really, it’s
It’s just really amazing to participate in that. And you know the the bad part of that, of course, is anything that you don’t like that they’re doing. There’s a good chance that it may have come from you.
Which is also good at that, too, because that gives you the opportunity to make those adjustments right how you show up in the world and a good chances are, chances are that you’re showing up in the way in the world the way that your children are kind of mimicking back to you. Right.
If you want to fix it. Cool. If not, like, that’s also your choice.
That’s another set of games. He gets to play as it rolls forward because they’ll reflect right back at you with less fear. Yeah.
Let’s talk about your book. To Brother, your best child ever is this game worth winning. Let’s talk a little bit about that. So about the book, I believe if I knew if I recall correctly, you wrote this book before even having children.
That is correct.
I had been teaching martial arts for about 17 years at this point and and you’ve really got to be like not paying attention. You got to be asleep at the wheel to not start seeing patterns.
And, you know, parents bring their kids and it’s invariably discipline or confidence, one of the two
I don’t like it to speak up more. I want to listen better and so it’s just I started to realize there’s just a fundamental games that are being played that the parents just don’t know.
Where there’s tribal wisdom that’s useless or there’s positional authority. I was on a group
And it’s a it’s a neighborhood community group for where I live.
And, you know, some kids are being told, or whatever. And somebody posted. And they were like, Well, you know, kids need to get spanked. And that’s what’s wrong with this world. I’m like, Okay.
My daughter was in the queue for 13 weeks today, is she was pounding pounding an eighth pounding an eighth when she was born. So she’s now four and a half. Just want to listen to me I should beat her spotless.
To make her pay attention to the things
I wanted. Is that really what you’re suggesting to me.
You know, it was, it was over three quarters of a million dollars for my daughter to make it out of the hospital and now I should beat her
Because she doesn’t listen or should I like improvement.
Or should I improve my communication and begin to understand her point of view as well.
Yeah, because it’s a both and it’s not either or. So I’m not saying kinesthetic communication doesn’t work sometimes
Because when they reach for dangerous things they don’t respect the word know you can smack the user finger and smack the they hate know that’s dangerous to touch fire are going to run into traffic. She was raised on a leash, just like me.
That’s not bad stuff, but it’s how do we start playing games where we both get to when you get to feel good and I get to feel good.
Because what I’ve discovered as human beings we all play games. We’re all energy addicts and if we can’t motivate people to give us energy. We will manipulate to get energy
And so we fight that just align with it. My dad wrote read a book when I was a kid, called games people play
And it was the new coming out in the in the 70s and it identified a lot of the dysfunctional games that people play in the way they manipulate all these sorts of things to justify basically their co dependent or dysfunctional relationships.
The problem with the book was no solutions like know here’s how to play a better game. It was just, here’s the stuff you’re completely yes but game ready to play the screw you game or the bad data to find these games.
Right, but then they don’t say, Here’s how to do better.
And so I kind of wrote my book as an as an answer to that, saying, well, here’s games worth winning because you know you’ve seen the teenager, I was that teenager and they try really hard. They don’t get the result. And then they play the poor me game.
And they’re going to go in the garden. They’re going to tear their clothes, they’re going to eat worms and throw dirt on their head. They’re going to be the world’s best
Yes, we’re wired to win the games we play
Human beings, literally, you’re a born winner, you won the first race. So you wouldn’t be you are
Well, I mean, look, first of all, the, the odds are, you know what, it wasn’t like one in 400 trillion or something like that and
So, so you know that that’s a, that’s a pretty slim chance and I love, I love just even knowing that, because he’s like well you know I should probably take take a little bit of advantage of this like what’s that mean
Yeah, but I love that you’re talking energy, though. And I know that in martial arts and I’m not sure how DP going to, you know, energy, I’m sure you go pretty deep into it but
You know, I think, you know, good or bad energy doesn’t really matters like you’re talking about right here. You can be the best poor me ever right because that’s what you’ve just, you know, you just said, hey, look.
This other game that all the other kids are playing. Yeah, I’m not cut out for it. I don’t really like it and it’s not my gig, but I want all of your energy. Anyways, and here’s how I’m going to get it so
As children as us as we’re growing up. We don’t differentiate. We are we are addicted to energy. And so whatever kinds are willing to give to me or to you you looks apps.
Absolutely, yeah. That’s the whole thing is we gotta have the quality, we have to have a quantity first
Then, positive, negative. Second, if I don’t get energy. I don’t exist. Well that’s from a baby point of view if babies don’t get engagement, they cease to exist, called
Thrive and they just die they whether they die because nobody cares So the factory even alive. Somebody cared about you enough to give you energy that kept you alive.
You already mad. And so, so it’s noticing that that game that someone’s playing
I can’t do this, then I’m going to play the I Can’t game. I’m going to play the help me game with the poor me game. I’ll be a victim.
Because I get so much energy from being evicted in psychology. It’s called secondary gain
As long as they’re not conscious that they’re doing it, then it’s secondary gain if they’re conscious. It’s called malingering and then it’s manipulation. But if you’re not, you see people that they always have a problem.
And you try to offer them solutions they
Always have always had a problem for every solution. And, well, I can’t do that.
Nicely yes but game.
Yeah, they can’t get that they can’t get the energy that they’re used to getting
They don’t and that’s the thing is they don’t know how to get there’s actually a better quality of energy, but the devil. I know is better than the devil. I don’t know.
For sure scared of that gap soft stay with this. I don’t like this energy and it hurts me that wears me down.
I know what it is, and I have certainty and I’m guaranteed to get it.
Alright, so I’m not enough pain to let it go yet.
State, and look, I mean that describes that describes so many people right and
Oh yeah, it’s, um, it’s tough to see it’s tough to see tough to see so
You know, so that sounds like you know what your book is is really kind of hinting towards right really make your ideas when wins. And I love that you you know you reference a book that
It had all of these, these problems, but none of the solutions right like here’s the game. Here’s the game. Here’s the game, but like, you know, it reminds me of of
Your sometimes we’ll do those, you know, who am I tested this test and all these other tests like here’s who you are, but they don’t tell you what to do with it. Right, like
How do I harness the strengths that you’re showing me
And right so
So, similar to that right so you know what else is it like in martial arts. What you know it’s confidence, it’s, you know, learning to use your bodies. What are some other things that you would recommend
You know, parents to get their children into martial arts for and, you know, why would some adults who is it ever too late.
I have students have started their 60s, so no an arco family. We have a grandmaster four or five generations that he was in his 50s and we started
And still became known as a grandmaster wow, though.
So it’s not about the age. It really is about just the commitment in the focus and yeah i think i think martial arts or something. Various approaches and styles and ranges and skills and personalities.
But I think if everybody in the world studied martial arts to be a whole lot more peace.
Because when you’ve attained the skills of devastation when you know you can destroy some one
It removes the desire, because it’s like, well, what’s really going on. Let me side set my ego you dying over you cut me off in traffic or you bumped into me in a bar.
One of us dying isn’t worth it. So I can be more generous. I can be more patient, I can be more understanding because I know I have this thing I had this line, I can drop anytime
But when people are insecure when they’re afraid when they’re worried they have to will notice me, look at me. They have to pump up their chest right
You know, because you do martial arts to we talked about this idea of fighter flight but there’s also inside the same species. There’s things called posturing and submitted.
That’s what keeps the species alive and you’ll see people do that alpha posture. Look at me, I’m big I’m huge. And all you’re so big and you’re the bad ass. I have to leave.
All right, all right.
So, but when you lose that knee, he, he, when someone’s posturing. You can disarm it you can agree with them. Hey, hey, you’re looking at my Woman Oh my gosh, yes, dude.
She’s beautiful you, my friend. Congratulations. You’re amazing. Obviously, to me, potential. Can I buy you guys a drink because you’re just thank you. I need to see that kind of example I was single for a long time. And so it’s really great to see couples together like this.
Right, right. I love it.
What did I just do. I totally cut his legs out from underneath him and he’s got nowhere to go without looking like a total pug. It’s like, yeah, that’s right, she’s hot.
buy him a couple drinks, it’s
Scored free drinks. I mean, yeah, totally. Yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah and then and and what did he really need. He was puffing up and he’s like insecure. He wants to be noticed. Great. Just feel that stuff, not in a in a condescending way i’m not blowing smoke. I’m like dude. That’s really impressive.
Right, yeah. You must be very happy. I’m happy for you. And one of my students, he was actually he was in a combat situation in the past. So he had a lot of anger and a lot of different things going on and
He was at a bar and a guy came in, you know, biker leathers big beard burly just came in and grabbed his drink it just shuts it down right in firms and slams down the bars is what you gonna do about it.
And change. It kind of looks at them and starts laughing It goes may. That’s the funniest thing of single day. Have a seat and get you another one. You’re obviously thirsty just buys them a drink and just like before, that guy would have been a bloody mass
Right as we studied
The different things that we do. It’s just, that’s funny. Obviously you’re thirsty them to buy another one.
And they had three hour conversation just hanging out talking trash and being silly in a bar where it could have been somebody ends up in the hospital mean ego could have flared all this stuff is just
Some work that he’s not disrespecting me because he can’t have my self respect. Right. That makes sense. I mean, that’s just that confidence if we could teach that to kids. You can’t make me feel better without my opinion.
without my permission you have no opinion over me. Thank you.
For sure, for sure. I mean, you have to be able, and I just so funny. I had this conversation yesterday. It’s like you’ve got to be able to
Just because somebody says something you’ve got to be able to not accept it right says, you know, calls me a dummy. Now, if somebody calls me a dummy. You can just be like, Yeah, I hear you but I’m that’s not me. Right. Or like
The Wayne Dyer thing like if you’re walking down the street and somebody calls up behind you. Hey, hey, stupid and if you turn around. You know what I mean, like,
To turn around like and so
Yeah, oh yeah.
Same thing with like the children, though, like, you know, teaching them to not have to accept other people’s thinking
About course. Yeah.
Well, I have what I have kids, you know, I teach. I teach as young as as three, four years old, I get the finals. They have this these random wonky conversations. Hey, great. Thanks for sharing. And now we’re gonna
Right and someone’s profile some random opinion. Hey, thanks for sharing. Have a nice day and just walk off.
Right right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. Look, I mean, look,
You’ve got you’ve got a four and a half year old to like so you also. I mean, I’m sure you knew before them, but like now I just like more of these stories and
I think one of the things that you want to do, or we do is like also engage them right like
Where’d you get the information from, you know, that’s a great story, where’s that coming from, you know, that’s funny.
Oh yeah, we
We do that. We’re like, Who told you that my brain told me that I love that you’ve got such a great brain. High five.
Right. And then there’s also this this. Have you thought about that. Okay. Yeah, yeah. She loves to one of her workbooks, so I mean she’s always curious and always wants to know more and
Yeah, then my nine year old. He’s now at the level. He’s actually asking like really good questions. It’s like, Well, that’s an interesting question. You want me to give you the real answer just blow smoke.
I want the real answer. Okay, let’s get a piece of paper.
Right. You know what diagram this crap out
Now, I love it, I love it, I love it. Um, so, you know, what about, like, I’m
Just trying to think, real quick, we talked about like the adults seeking it to right and how that can kind of differentiate. Some of the stuff outside of again like you know the confidence levels. What are some of the things that you might
Expect an adult to be taken, or the children’s be taking from the martial arts.
The biggest thing really is the power of identity because you become the story that you tell over and over you, it’s, it’s a self hypnosis.
So I had a lady who was in her 50s and she was a nurse and every exercise we did in martial arts. Oh, I’m just the worst of this. Oh, this is just horrible. I’m just so bad. Some, like, excuse me, how did you ever become a nurse. If that was your attitude.
Oh no, I didn’t think about it like that because I was learning new things. Oh, okay. Well, this is the first time you ever done this right
Yeah, okay. So is it the best of the worst you’ve ever done how this is just the worst really because if it’s the first time do you have nothing to compare it against it’s the best and the worst it’s both. So which one gives you more positive energy
Right. And that was like a huge mindset shift for her.
As the problem a lot of our health care providers, you know, they’re reinforced negatively if they get people healthy that we’re going to take this healthy person and release them and give you more sick. He
published anything. It feels like it because you’re always in with sick people. It’s like we got to change the metrics and start noticing how many people have we heal this week this month this year that
Builds all year long. It’s like, oh my gosh, look how many, how many lives and you change that story. And so in the martial arts do as as people gain more confidence they gain more fitness they acquire new skills.
Their story about themselves begins to change and the really cool thing is, you’ll have adults come in who they have an opinion of themselves and the kids and kids don’t know about the adults opinion.
Right, and you’ll have a kid because in our school we do stripes for attitude and stripes for effort and
Things like that kid want to give a stripe to an adult for being you know working really hard. Well, I started getting really sweaty.
And you were breathing really hard and you kept going. And that was really awesome. And I think that self discipline, you get a sticker.
And just see the adults light up. You got like a seven or an eight your
Role giving them a sticker because it’s that adults younger self being healed and being given that positive reinforcement and then
As you get the adults younger self to get stronger it ripples up because when we go deep into the Gestalt and deep into our lower subconscious subconscious it pulls up these higher levels and everything expands.
For sure. No, I love that. I love that.
Thanks for sharing that. Because again, you’re, you’re lagging
You’re lagging a little bit, but that, that’s great. You know, so they’re able to kind of come in and change the story and I think that
That’s huge for me. It’s been that way for me as well. I’ve only been doing it for about a year and a half and and
The difference and who I am from going into the martial arts and taking these courses and you talk about walking up to you just
Being more confident in who you are. Period. Right. Or like being a little less afraid or rigid like when you’re out, like, Listen, I’ve walked some streets that maybe I shouldn’t have been walking on but like I felt okay right like
Now, don’t get me wrong. Like, I don’t feel like, you know, I was going to Bruce Liam, but like I felt like, you know, in this situation, I feel good.
Right because. Right, right.
And and so being able to feel that way. Like, I’m not trying to walk up and start a fight and be like, oh, hey, you know,
I’ve been saying for a couple years now. I’m gonna have to show you what’s up instead I gets feel. I just feel good about who I am, knowing that I know how to use my body to defend myself right and
I just feel better.
And it’s just like you’re saying that my mind will store. It’s been rewritten right like I’m very similar to yourself.
Cheese on you know about like I got through it, my 20s, maybe took me up until like my 30s. Before I kind of like started to release the I’m a bad boy attitude or like am I, you know, I’m so much smarter or better than you. Because like my, my poor me story is better than yours right like
Right, right. So, so, I love it, I love, I love that you can do that now. Do you have anything online for your martial arts where people can reach out to you.
Not so much there. I’m moving more towards coaching.
Adults men couples parents families.
And really, in just the last couple of weeks I’ve come to the realization kind of what I helped do is reduce
The worries and fears for your kids because I help you increase your communication. Your rapport your bond your influence your kids actually listen to the good stuff you have to share with them.
Nice because it’s a lot of that miscommunication and I see a lot of adults when they work with kids younger they explain too much.
And it doesn’t really it doesn’t really sink in, because they can’t handle it and then they’re teenagers and adults fall into the shut up and do it because we’re tired of explaining it.
It actually, it’s the flip
You know, because if as they get older, they can handle those shape. Well, here’s what we should do what we’re going to do and here’s why.
They can handle that they can handle that gray older but when they’re younger, they don’t need to know about. Well, the wind blows, because the sun shines on the equator and it changes the temperature and the water vapor and you’re, you’re in the weeds already
Freezer sneezing. That’s why they have SAP that’s trace not
Well, I mean, there’s more complicated stuff. But for now, that’s good enough. What
This will do for now and do for now. I love it. I love it. Um, I think, I think another thing to to in, in, in, you know, coaching parents that if you can get them to be more confident and be a little bit more of who they are, you know, bringing out the best and who they are.
Yeah, then they’re automatically going to probably be less stressed and more likely to engage in a in a stress free conversation like there’s a pressure release. Once you know you go through this coaching and you figure out some things right. You do.
Do you do the work and then like, you know, you’re really a better family member, a better citizen, all those things.
Are super resilient.
And a lot of parents are on eggshells because I did this one thing I’m going to scroll back it up the rest of their life.
Right. Oh no. It takes work. Messing people up as an effort, it’s not
Just one. One thing is not an
And that’s when I burned down with school. You know, it’s not just one thing. And then, there it goes. There’s, there’s a pattern of things.
They adapt and they want to believe the best in you and they love you and you’re their hero for so long.
Right held them, you’re not
When they see you as the best right
For the longest time
Yeah, that’s beautiful.
So some great work that you’re going to be doing that. That’s great. I love it. Um, so let’s let’s flip it over a little bit into fatherhood right let’s. What does fatherhood me. Do you
fatherhood is the most awesomeness and frustrating thing I’ve ever done in my whole entire life, because without my wife. I would never get a break. I’m like, guys, that needs to go in the cave. I love you. I gotta go away and hit some things or do something because I love you, but just
You get to this place as a as a masculine person you kind of build up sometimes you build up stuff. And it’s like, I can’t just like I can’t just go toe to toe with you guys, your tiny little people. I can’t just punch you. It can’t.
Like, I love you but I’m so frustrated and it’s nothing. You’re doing is just daddy is a break. Can you see that, like, like
We do very good about your mommy needs a break. Mommy gets time in the cave, Daddy. Guess I’m in the cave kids get time in the cave. We need that that I love you. I got a timeout. I gotta go recharge.
Francisco. It’s a language pattern we have in our family because of that because it’s just it’s relentless when
My daughter came home, she was on oxygen for eight months. And we had a we had a pulse ox honor, we have to put on her phone or it’s a little sensor for oxygen and blood levels.
And we had it on our feet on our hands. She’s moving around. We’re doing these different things. So like the first eight days that she was home like we would be awake during the day and then I would stay up till like two, three in the morning or accept till six
For the first eight days I was up till six every single night like waiting. So just make sure she’s okay and then I would sleep for a couple hours, three hours here and three hours there. And that’s what I did.
The parents in the school were like taking a bath with CMO which my wife on her title of CEO.
Or CMO but they were taking bets with her about when is he going to crack, when’s he going to crack. It’s like, right, it never happened because I was I’ve been wanting to do this since I was nine years old. I am so ready for this.
It, but then she came on oxygen, and all these extra things. It was just like
Like the first night she was home out of that she was in the queue for 13 weeks, two days. So she was born in September didn’t come home until December.
Right. So the first night she was home. I didn’t sleep. The whole night I played I played, I think it was destiny. The first one
I played Destiny. She was in the living room with me. I had a couple of soda as I’m like I’m watching her like all freakin night there’s no and like my sleep cycles different now because like anybody that house makes a noise. I’m awake instantly. And I’m like, I’m there.
Are as my wife sleeps way deep so it’s just it’s just being able to be present for these other life forms and being able to give them
My parents gave me unconditional love. My dad was military he had to travel. He wasn’t there as much as he wanted. So it’s being able to create a different relationship with my kids. It’s been amazing. And one of the greatest things I could ever possibly imagine. At the same time,
It gets frustrating when I feel like other things are pulling my time away when it’s like, I don’t want to leave. I’m not ready. I don’t want to go. And it’s like, but I have to have this other mission besides my family. They’re part of
Right. But I have this thing to communicate to the world. I’ve been through these these points of pain in my life. And I figure these things out. The world needs to hear this. So more dads can show up like I am in my family.
You know, as we’ve been going through like putting together courses. What problems do parents have What problems are you having you could help other people
I’m not really having any problems with my family or communicate with my kids because I’ve been married 30 years I’ve been studying it, I’m doing really good
Right, but it’s just it’s just kind of like realizing, oh, here’s what other people are struggling. You know I love being in the in the father and the rest of this group because I see the challenges and I see the questions. It’s like, guys, it’s not that difficult.
There is four parts to this answer. And it’s this, this and this and this. For
Sure. You know, I mean, so it’s just like come at it as a complete view versus just a one off to this one technique type thing.
But it’s just, it’s great. Having those different perspectives and
Like, there’s a lot of ladies, I wish they could see some of the comments and some of the conversations we have because they’re like these guys, they want to be such amazing dads. They want to do such a great job, you would be so proud of these guys.
Right, because so many women are so down on guys, you know, all they just want this one thing he didn’t quit it by the blog. It’s like, no.
Those are boys looking to just get some fields. The men that want to be dads and they want to engage. I mean, they’re just a whole nother level amazing and it’s it
It’s my favorite is thing and being able to support dads and help them to get a better conversation a better relationship, how to light your woman up because there’s another group I’m in where it’s all
New fathers and they’re all just like traveling and their women are mad at them, they’re pregnant or hormonal and I’m just the worst person I can even do anything right.
My mother in law like oh my gosh you’re fighting 15 people at once. Dude, plus your own fears.
Right, like, go get my get my book and then let’s talk like that’s just my constant like not, I don’t want to pitch them inside the group, but that’s just my first answer is, like, okay, go read my damn book.
The first four chapters will set you up because it’s just learning how to get in the right frame of reference and
Just seeing the there’s just so much fear and pain and it doesn’t need to be there and and I love being a dad. It’s like the greatest. It really is.
I love it. No, and it shows. Right. So congratulations on becoming a father. Right. Yeah.
Absolutely 30 years from I decided when I was nine, I want to be a dad took 30 years to get there. Nice. Well,
You know, how is it. So you mentioned a little bit about your relationship with your dad. You know what, at the age of nine, you know, was going on that you made that decision.
Well actually it’s six, five, and six. I was abused by a security guard in Saudi Arabia, because we were military we were living over there and then again here in the US by a couple kids up the street.
Yeah, I never told my never told anybody until I was in my 30s. Wow. But like the memories got repressed for 20 years there was a lot of anger. A lot of fear when I was nine I stopped smoking.
And I was just I had read a thing on St. Francis of Assisi, and kind of his model of spirituality kind of spoke to me at that point in my life. And I was like, do I want to be a monk go be a Franciscan monk.
I want to be a dad, and there’s a part of me that said, well, you can’t be a spiritual father until you’ve been a biological fun
My she’ll be a biological father
My thinking. So at nine. I’m thinking about Holy Orders like
Crisis. I’ll start.
Yeah, so, so that was my logic and then actually 25 years later I found out because one of my students, it was in the 60s. He had a he had a heart attack at my school and
And an end of the night like he he he. It was the weirdest thing because he’s like hey could you call the, you know, could you call 911
And from here up is like completely gray. It’s like somebody had just erased it. There was no color because he was having a heart attack and within 14 minutes. The, the, the CMS has shown up and he was already gone
And they like called called the ex wife called the daughter.
Called his brother, they’re trying to hold people and they’re calling me freaking out. And I’m like, Hey, here’s where is that here’s what’s so the end of the night I end up
I’m in the hospital room and Steve is laying in the bed and his ex wife is there, his brother is there, his daughters. I think his son was there and they’re all looking at me his dad.
And I’m younger. I’m the youngest adult in the room because the kids are still awake 1913
And the to the ex wife and the brother, they’re all looking at me to be dad because Steve is usually dad, and he’s laid out and it was the weirdest surrealist most amazing thing to be here I am. And there’s my little boy and it was
So you can be a spiritual father without the biology because I found that out before I became an actual that, but then I became an actual that too and I, they’re all awesome
For sure. I love it. So, what, what, wouldn’t you know you said your relationship with your father.
Wasn’t there as often as you would have liked. And so talk a little bit about that.
Okay, well, my parents. I was I was, I was a challenge at four. I was climbing the roof of the house.
I was constantly pushing on everything, everywhere. And I kept up a wall and kept my distance and I treated them like garbage. They gave me unconditional love, but for me at that point in my life. They were impediments to the things I wanted
So I would give them whatever information. I felt I needed to get what I want. I was very manipulative, because I was running in scarcity.
And and for however harshly I treated them or I remember. Gosh, I was like,
I was like 13 and I remember blowing up my dad at the breakfast table because he was eating his, he was eating Cheerios, which had been waiting since he was 10
And he always puts in like two spoonfuls of sugar and then he’s eating cereal and it’s scraping on the bottom and you can hear the grains of sugar bouncing off the cereal spoon, as he’s digging it through and then he eats it. He’s making that
Cross off Illinois and I blew up at him and I was just can’t you eat any any quieter. God, I just like I just wanted this for like on a salt mode, just like
In my dad being a passionate person that just came right back at me at the same level of energy and it was just like, you know, he was a he was a powerful man who was a passionate man is he’s brilliant. He ran a
Project for the government. They were redesigning the F 15 and so he ran the contract for eight years and the government did an audit four times with no
No adjustments his contract they had a crisis with a belt Douglas and he was like, yeah, go to this paragraph subsection this just action that you guys already were to negotiate all the stuff
You see it’s thought through all of the contingencies of how the contract could go wrong before they ever did it when they first started, eight years prior.
So, so very intelligent very thoughtful very thorough, but at the same time raging extrovert as sensitive as a chainsaw at a bridal shower.
But it’s not a bad place. He’s just a massive extrovert. He understands his point of view and he’ll spouted off at any time. Sure.
He wants to share what he understands and he was a guy that gave me unconditional love as much grief, as I gave him. He was always there to support me and they always had my back. Even when I treated like crap. Even when I resented him even when I attacked him for frickin eating cereal.
Right. And it took me until I was about 26 to really start to respect who they were as people because I had all these wounds from being a child and how I expected them.
I followed them for like two years when I was quitting swimming I swam from eight to 13
And 11 1213 and like I want to quit swimming. I want to go swimming. No, the only have five participation trophies. There’s all this drama around it and and when I quit swimming, I kind of quit talking to them for about 13 years
Wow throughout all of it. He’s still been there, because he’s a man. He’s a deacon, the Roman Catholic Church. He really tries to live his faith and really try to be an example of that, for his kids and for his community.
Alright, so, so you know that side of him. I didn’t really start to respect to really even begin to perceive until I was in my mid 20s to live it.
Been you know they’re 20 years almost. So I’ve really gotten to know my parents as people not as adult caregiver guardian figures.
In the last 1020 years it’s been a really rewarding experience. And there were lessons they taught me that I didn’t realize because I was to blend into my own pain at the time, but it’s stuff that’s inside me now.
It’s one of those lessons.
It’s the it’s when you’re gonna support someone you support them. I mean, it’s not you sit there and new
If you’re going to tell someone I got you.
Then, the answer is, I got you. And there’s not going to be this will, you know, what have you done for me lately. What’s my return. What am I getting this paid back. What is this, what is this. It’s just what do you need
And you’re there for someone if you if you’re going to allow that relation to exist when you’re there for someone you’re there for someone. And that’s the end of the conversation.
I mean, I remember as a family. We were driving somewhere, and we were going past there’s a damn near where we live, AND IT’S POURING DOWN RAIN. And there’s a guy walking on the bridge and I mean it’s like you have like 30 feet of visibility POURING DOWN RAIN.
And we stopped the car got the guy in the van and like you know what’s going on his card broken down his wife stayed with card is the days before cell phones.
Right. So we took this guy down to the gas station 20 minutes out of our way we’re going to miss whatever it was. We’re going to go do but you know me, my dad, my mom, my brother.
Decided to help and we were here. If not, it’s not us, who
We got this guy back to his car got gas in the car got him on his way where he needs to go.
You know, there’s that example and I’ve done that with with my wife and with my kids were was been we’ve seen someone else. I wrote a then you can help.
Someone else’s noticing on us paying attention. If not, it’s not us, who right
Yeah, baby. You feel safe about this. I feel good. All right, let’s do it. And then we go in, we go when we tell i mean that
That’s sort of an example because you never know when that could be a turning point in someone’s life where they’re going to do something very bad to themselves or someone else and you show them some compassion and everything just turns and they go in a new direction.
Right now, I love that. I love that.
Yeah, being open to that is just powerful
Would you know, absolutely. I agree on sign. Would you say that that’s something that you’ve carried forward from from your father.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah.
What about would there be anything else that you said, I would say that your father did that you’ve carried forward into, you know, your father.
I definitely have his temper.
Good and bad but I mean it’s a power to get things done, but at the same time, you know, it can be an explicit thing. So recognizing that in myself.
When is my fuse getting too low or I need to take a step back, being able to manage and regulate myself a little bit better.
That’s definitely something I’ve carried forward and teaching my kids too because because my kids have the same energy, they can get frustrated and have these meltdowns, it’s like hey guys start to notice what’s happening before we get to that point. So we don’t have to have that explosion.
For sure hammer. My dad snake and the snake in the sink and yelling and screaming at it and planning tools and the thing I’m like, wow, if only your parishioners can see you. Now shut up, boy.
Sure you know
What about what about some resources that you would recommend to parents outside of your book, which you would definitely recommend right your best child ever is is is
First and foremost, what are some other resources that you have found books, videos courses that have been helpful for you as a father.
For almost everybody I coach. I always recommend three resources and they are the wave of the spirit man just start understanding masculine energy by David Dido
And then keys to the kingdom and the Queen’s code by Alison Armstrong and that’s the beginning start understanding masculine, feminine dynamics and
She will say, men, women, but I always say just listening for masculine and feminine, because we all have access to both. I can be in my feminine.
My wife can be her masculine. It doesn’t invalidate who we are. Change our orientation or anything like that. It’s just we have access to these flavors.
And when you’re running a certain energy, you’ll show up a certain way. And when you begin to appreciate that in your children. It gets a whole lot of us to work with them when they’re in their masculine and the feminine. You can guide them a whole lot better.
And for yourself and your spouse.
Or your partner’s whatever your situation. Yes, those are they always make involuntary that plus your best shot. Yeah.
Of course, of course. Um, and then, you know, you’ll see like 10 years goes by and your children, pick up this podcast, what is something that you would like to thank them for like and why
When they are frustrated. They don’t like try to hide that or share a shame that or make themselves wrong when they’re frustrated. They’re frustrated when they’re angry. They’re angry when they’re happy. They’re happy.
There’s a level of beauty in that clarity and I hope for them that they always feel comfortable expressing especially me and mom.
What’s going on, what do you feel it. What are you thinking we’re gonna listen with no judgment because we want to know what’s going on with you.
And so I hope they carry that forward that is definitely something I want for both of them. And we may have a third one and do the same thing for the third one is, it’s that be who you are.
Right, because we’re gonna love you and support you, no matter what we’re going to question you were going to share with you, but we’re going to believe in you. And we’re going to support you, at the same time.
Right. Right. And it’s that raw honesty to right just just kind of it. They haven’t learned filters yet, right. So it’s really kind of sort of beautiful to see. So I love that answer.
What, um, you know, is there anything that we didn’t cover on today’s conversation that you really feel like fathers should know
I think something fathers should know is your significant others should be your partner and look at the relation before the ship and I mean look at the energy flow. The relation between the two of you before you look at the structure
Because sometimes people get so caught up in their roles or responsibilities rights, privileges duties, they put the ship in front and the structure in front and you can be right and you can sleep on the couch tonight. Congratulations.
I would much rather be in love with my wife and show. Sometimes I gotta, I really have that conversation, say, is this worth it. Is this really worth it. And there’s been a couple times we’ve gotten in fights and she’s gonna slept on the couch and she wakes up.
I’m on the floor right next door because
Mill, the night she wakes up and she’s like, calm down. And she realizes that she’s got a new different point of view or whatever.
And she’s like, well, I miss him. And I want to go there I am, because I had that relationship where I slept for a year and a half on the couch, it’s just not worth it.
It’s just absolutely we got to figure this out because we’re in this together.
No, that’s a great, that’s a great point. I love how you love I put it there too. You know, you know, what is the energy flow back and forth before the structure, right. Like, I mean the structures there, but without like that good exchange of energy. The structure is kind of worthless.
Yeah and if either of us if me or autumn are missing something for you. We can just ask
I could really use this for me right now. Well, I can’t do it right now. But how about an hour. How about 10 minutes. How about tomorrow tonight.
But, but just that, you know, if we don’t do a date night at about every seven days after about 10 days she gets really irritable, kind of like a lioness in a cage just and she’s on she’s on edge because she’s like, I need time with you.
Because her one of her love language is quality time
Sure, it’s just time with me, not the kids not the time with and time with you.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean go happen. It could, but it also could mean go for a walk or just connect it could be. Let’s go watch nature could be. Let’s just watch a movie together.
I just need you and no other distractions and either one of us needs to be able to ask for that, and the other one go. I got you, babe.
So important. Perfect. Perfect. Well, Jeremy. Thanks for hopping on today, where should I send people to go find out more about you.
I would say either go to free book.za parenting program calm and get
Your best job ever says game with winning the only parenting book with a money back guarantee, written by a guy. No kids not married wasn’t even dating at
That’s kind of the hope to go, well, who the hell is this guy. What does he think he knows
How it is. And then the other one. There’s just go find me on actually it’s Facebook.
Jeremy r dot Kung Fu guy that’s I’m the most active on Facebook live anywhere. I’m about to get involved with the group and that may change here in the next couple of months. But for now, those are the best two places.
I love it. Thanks again for hopping on today.
Thank you, sir. I really do appreciate your time. Brandon
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