No More April Fresh

Downy April Fresh… You KNOW the scent… it’s got its own candle… it’s got scented beads…fabric sheets… liquid form… it is straight iconic.

I loved smelling it comes out of my neighbor’s vents when we would play football in the backyard on our days off from school, and I would wonder why our laundry didn’t smell like that.

As a matter of fact, the scenario exists 30+ years later… my neighbor’s laundry smells April Fresh & mine just doesn’t seem to reach that nirvanic state of unimaginably fresh laundry… I want to say I am over it… and I am in a way.

Now, if you are like most of the men I know these days, you work your ass off, either in an office, on the road in sales, on the road delivering goods, working on cars… you start your day off smelling fresh, that may be in part to your landry,perhaps it is Downy f*cking Fresh, or Gain Fresh… and you have washed your finely crafted temple with something like Irish Spring, Dove Mens Care (check out recent article love this stuff), Old Spice Swagger.

You shaved using Gilette Best a Man can f*cking get gel, Mach 27 ultra blade, or a rusty single edged Bic, perhaps none of these and you use a bad ass straight razor or you are way beyond dollar shave and use a wet blade, a badger brush and whip up your own suds of handcrafted just for men sandalwood facial soap. Perhaps you even go so far as to don a bit of aftershave… are you an Avon man? Old Spice? For what its worth you can NOT beat Pinaud Clubman products.

And perhaps you do all of this as you are exiting your local CrossFit box – you just finished up your WOD (Workout of the Day)… you crushed your burpees… you rowed some… you did your box jumps…skipped some GD rope… you just burnt nearly 300 calories in 20 minutes… you are… lets face it… a legend… or at least on your way to becoming so.

You have conquered all that that there is to conquer the morning, your body, the diet, the hand-picked razor, the finest in all haircuts, your beard oils, your mustache is twisted just right. And your clothes…smell Downy F*cking Fresh… or like Snuggles the Cuddly goddamned bear… does your toothpaste still taste like bubble gum? How the shit did this happen? Everything about you SCREAMS *MAN!* Except for your fine threads… they smell like your mom is still dressing you… there was one last decision to be made, and you were like f*ck it… yeah that lavender scented Gain will do.

No. No it will not… men who make decisions don’t smell like lavender, they don’t smell like cuddles the god damned bear, they smell the way the Brawny Man looks. They smell like they have been wrapping the morning up the way they would like to wrap up the evening, like handcrafted Cuban cigars going hand in hand with your favorite single malt scotch… you can hear the one giant ice cube in your tumbler now… hell, you inhale right now you may even be able to smell it.

My guess is that when you go to take that breath you smell like a lavender soap dish or whatever it is you or your significant other grabbed from the laundry aisle as a matter of habit… maybe not bubble gum, but it may have even looked like candy…

Where is this going?

Men, it may be time for us to put on that finishing touch to our laundry… all of this came bubbling to my head as I spilled a fair amount of Dove Mens Care Deep Clean in my suitcase all over my clothes… I thought about washing them… but then I realized all of the above… and said to myself… nope… gonna just let that soap dry out in my clothes as is and smell fresh to death…

This is my plea to Dove or Downy or Gain for some men specific clothing care… crisp… clean… cutting… even fabric softener sheets would be cool… real cool.